10 Things.

Yesterday wasn't all bad. It was pretty awful, one of the worst days of the past year, I almost quit right then and there, but there were a few silver linings. I am still processing it, but part of that process is to recognize the things that made it not entirely awful.

1. Princess loves her new class. Her desk is beside one of her friends from last year, and her best-school-friends from Kindergarten and Grade 1 are in her class.
2. Princess remembers French afterall. And apparently her teacher is "really nice".
3. Tobes got a new airplane magazine, and we snuggled on the couch last night looking at all the cool jets.
4. My grocery shopping got done. And I mean my once-a-month monster shopping got done. Major thanks to Zita for that one. During the shopping trip I also got to process almost all of my emotions so that I wasn't a raging lunatic for the entire day.
5. My husband took the afternoon off. He took the afternoon off because his hysterical wife called him sobbing and threatening to sell his son to the circus, but it was nice to see him nonetheless.
6. I got to take Princess out for "coffee" after school, which gave us a solid hour of "us" time and I got to hear all about her first day at school. And give her that hug I owed her. There were lots of hugs. She was embarrassed by the sheer number of hugs. My duty was done.
7. Tobes calmed down and got to build his new puzzle in the afternoon.
8. I got a workout in.
9. I made yummy meatballs for supper (thank goodness for #4!!)
10. I got a lot of comments, private messages, and texts from close friends, past friends, and acquaintances who read my blog post yesterday, and last night you were all my support team. It was really nice to hear just how not-alone I was, and just how many people understood what I was going through when I sincerely felt like I was on a little lonely island. I know some people get it, I just didn't realize how many. 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I Cried.

I sincerely thought this September would be different. We had worked on anxiety issues, sleep issues, and diet issues. We talked a LOT about what September 2nd would look like for all involved. We counted down days, and also talked about schedules and "what's next". We planned and prepped and I genuinely thought this year would be different.

It couldn't get any worse.

Except it did. This year Princess was nervous about going into Grade 2. In French immersion, grade 2 is the year that they are expected to speak all-French, all the time. She was cool and collected until last night, when she became scared and intimidated. This morning she crawled into my bed, and we snuggled for a full hour before the alarm went off.

This year Tobes, who had regressed at the beginning of the summer in all aspects (sleep, anxiety, etc) and then who had a bit of a leap forward in August, woke up in a horrible mood, and it built from there. Despite all the discussion and preparation we did, he just wasn't ready for today.

This year I was as prepared as I thought I could be the night before - Princess had all the stuff she needed, Tobes had all the stuff I needed, but forgot to grab all the stuff I needed... Like my purse.

This morning went ok - we got celebratory pictures in the driveway, we talked more about our plans for the day, and were ready to go... I thought. Then I couldn't find my purse, which set us back 10 minutes. Then Tobes started to cry (full-on tears, boarderline meltdown) about everything (first it was that he was hungry. When I gave him his snack, he was bored, then he was thirsty, etc), which wore on my nerves. Then traffic was horrific, which set us back another few. Then the 15 minute buffer I gave myself slowly slipped away. We got to school just before the first bell, which would have been more than enough time if I weren't dragging a sobbing kid down a packed hallway.

We found Princess' classroom, which was almost full. I urged her towards a desk and she stood there, frozen. She knew most of the kids in her class, and her two best school friends were there which was awesome, but the "big kid" desks in the "big kid" classroom were overwhelming. And Toby was screaming, and I was being ushered out along with the other parents by the teacher. I quickly said my goodbyes and I left. No picture of her in her desk, no helping her find her coat hook, I was gone.

I was mad at this point. I got Tobes in the car, and started to drive.

Then I thought about how I didn't get to give my daughter a hug goodbye. And I cried.
Then I thought about how my son was "supposed to be" better. And I cried.
Then I thought about how he ruined my morning. And I cried.
Then I thought about how furious I was with him. And I cried.
Then I thought about how guilty I felt for thinking that way. And I cried.
Then I thought about how much he loved his sister. And I cried.
Then I thought about how much he missed her too. And I cried.
Then I thought about how my daughter comes second so often in our everyday lives. And I cried.
Then I thought about how I was once that kid who had "needier" younger siblings, and how much I resented my parents sometimes. And I cried.
Then I thought about how this would be the last time I ever had a "First Day Dropoff" with just her. And I cried.
Then I thought about how old she is getting, and how much I feel like I've missed in her life because of "other things" (so very much beyond other family members), and I cried.

My day overall improved, thanks to a best friend willing to grocery shop with two blubbery messes, and a husband who rushed home at lunch. I took Princess out for "coffee" after school and we are having a chill evening. But it's going to take some time to recover from this one.

Last Days of Summer

I've taken the last few days off from the Summer Blog Challenge, and I'm not all that sorry. I have a few new half-finished posts in my queue (of course), but this weekend is the last weekend of summer, and we are enjoying as much of it as we can!

Princess is counting-down down hours (literally) until she starts grade 2. She is excited and ready to go. Her backpack is packed, first-day outfit is picked, and she is excited to meet her new teacher. She is excited to see her school friends again, and excited for a "real desk".

Tobes is anxious (as he is every September). He is not looking forward to his sister/best friend going back to school. He's not looking forward to his playmate being gone for so long. However, he is excited for gymnastics to start up again, and we've already created a list 10-miles long of fun activities to do during our days alone again. I've also gotten smarter, and this year I've formed a bit of a "Lonely Younger Siblings Club" - finding other abandoned younger siblings that he can playdate with.

But for now, we soak up the very last day of summer vacation. This summer has been amazing. I lament that it's gone by so fast, and yet when I look at my bucket list there are very few things that haven't been crossed off. Montreal was an AMAZING adventure, and I reconnected with childhood friends on the other side of the country. The kids saw Niagara Falls, and Princess danced on stage with National-level competitors. This summer we went to the zoo (a lot), Fort Edmonton, and the corn maze. This summer we swam and biked and spent an insane amount of time outside at spray parks. This summer Princess learned to ride a 2-wheeler, and Tobes passed a level in swimming. This summer they both got a lot braver in the water, Princess learned to swing across the monkeybars all by herself, and Tobes started to learn Star Wars math.

This summer went by way too quickly (in 23 hours and 40 minutes, Princess starts school) but we filled it with fantastic memories!

The Pretzel Update (and another whine)

Following up on my "In Search Of" post.

I found... something. Something that doesn't entirely taste unlike pretzels. And in GF baking, as I have come to expect, that's as close as I'm going to get.

That's not to say ALL gluten-free stuff is bad... I have found awesome pasta and bread that I can make grilled cheese sandwiches for myself out of. I eat grilled cheese with ketchup now. I never did before. I have found a good scone recipe (when I remember to put in ALL the flour), and I have even discovered things like cauliflower and spaghetti squash. Yes, discovered. These were things I dared not try before ;) But nothing will replace the gluteny-yumminess of white flour. I have toyed with forgoing "taste-alikes" altogether and just changing our diet outright - spaghetti squash for "pasta", forgo bread and find other lunch items to make the kids, and lettuce wraps to replace buns. But my family (not just me!) doesn't entirely embrace change. That adventure might be saved for down the road...

But now I can add pretzels to the list of things I can make. It's only 7 ingredients for the flour, and with a bit of extra salt and sugar (as I have learned to add with most bread recipes), it tastes pretty damn good! They even fluff up!

Now for the blogging fail... Aside from taking a picture of the 7-part flour, I took no pictures during the process. So next time, my friends. Next time.

For now, just rejoice in the fact that I found pretzels again.

(in case you're wondering, I used this recipe, with the "Better than Cup4Cup" flour from this page)

Besties

Today I took some pictures of my daughter and her bestie. These girls have known each other literally their entire lives. They have taken swimming lessons and gymnastics together, and they have been travelling and gone on adventures together. 

Today wasn't just a "photo shoot", it was a celebration of a special relationship I hope Princess can have forever. I hope they call each other every day as teenagers and go on double dates. I hope they are university roommates someday, are in each other's weddings someday, and I hope that someday they have play dates with their kids. 

But even if they don't, right now I treasure who they are to each other in this moment. They tell each other secrets, and cheer each other on. They build forts in my dining room, and make fairy houses in the park. They draw each other pictures, and Princess chomps at the bit to text her bestie whenever she has screen time. They laugh together, cry together, and love each other a whole lot.

Today I celebrated a relationship between two special little girls.

Fine, I'm a Dance Mom.

I started to write this post last year. It was originally titled "I'm not a dance mom!", a loud declaration to anyone who'd listen about how not-down-the-rabbit-hole I was. Unfortunately, it was incredibly false. I AM a dance mom, I'm just not one of THOSE dance moms.

You know, the ones that you see on TV, that spend every waking moment at the studio, sewing rhinestones on costumes and b*tching about the teacher, other parents, who is the teacher's pet and how much they hate the teacher's pet's mom. They complain that the teacher is too mean/costumes too skimpy/dances too difficult/not difficult enough. Their other children/spouses/outside worlds are noticeably absent in conversation or social media. They get drunk with other dance moms, get into fisticuffs with other dance moms, and while they swear it's all for the kids, you know who's driving the bus on this one...

Of course I'm a dance mom. I spend countless hours at the studio, or on the road to competitions. I have a Pinterest board of solo dresses and while I am writing this blog post I am also researching new soft shoes for Princess. You can bet that dance comes into my conversations with friends/family/the checkout lady at Safeway at least 5 times a day, and OF COURSE I've gotten drunk with my fellow dance moms (our parents association meeting was held at a place that was serving alcohol at 10AM today). And you had better believe...

Who else can say that their 7-year-old competed at a national level for their extra curricular? Princess is talented, does amazingly well in competitions, and I will never get sick of watching her on stage. My heart skips a beat every time she performs.

But here's where I see some differences.

1. She's (we? I?) not in it for the fame. Let's be realistic here - if I were to name-drop Joel Hanna (he teaches my daughter workshops) or Ciara Sexton (we met her in June), it's probably a select few who would know who I'm talking about, and be excited about it. Touring shows are making Irish Dance a lot more well-known, but I don't foresee my daughter making it big in Hollywood, or becoming a TV star.
2. I did it too. I'm not just a mom who "drank the kool aid". I used to Irish Dance. I danced for over 10 years. I watch Irish Dance videos on youtube for fun, and Princess was first exposed to it when she was 2 because I put Riverdance on the TV for the millionth time. I love the music, I love the art form, and I always said I would return to it as an adult when I could (tried that this past year... did not go well...) I love watching other dancers at competitions almost as much as I love watching my own daughter. She's also dancing at my old school, so it's something special to us both. She and I wore the same style dress...

   

   I am much older in this picture than I look/care to admit...

3. Because of #2, it's something that Princess and I can share. It's something that we can bond over. We get automatic "us" time at competitions, and have fun adventures together. It gives me some Princess time now that she's in school all day.
4. Despite #2, I know the difference between her dreams and mine. I really do. And decisions we make about her classes, practices, and events are heavily discussed. Trust me.
5. My son will find his own thing, and while I might not have the same nostalgic investment, you'd better believe I will support him just as much - emotionally, financially, and with our time. I don't entirely know how yet, but I will. He tried dance for a year, and gave his teachers a run for their money. This year he is back in gymnastics, and possibly "sport ball" in the winter. We are going to find something he loves, and as much as I joke that WE are a "DANCE FAMILY", if we need to be a dance and gymnastics/soccer/football (I really hope not football... I hate football...) family, so be it!
6. I'm not *just* a dance mom. Besides Tobes finding his own thing, I have my own things too. Dance absolutely is part of my daily conversations, but I'm also a lactation consultant, I love to nom babies, and in my spare time sometimes I even craft and sew ;) Someday I would love to "work on my photography" (I don't have photography to work on, but I'd like to eventually), and my last midlife crisis involved researching floor looms, weaving, and raising sheep. I've got my own stuff going on outside these mirrored studio walls!

So why not embrace the label? I'm a dance mom. I am friends with dance moms. We go out for coffee while our kids are at workshops, and we look out for each other's kids at events. We pack extra snacks to feed extra dancers and their siblings (including GF stuff for Tobes. I am thankful for my fellow dance moms!), and plan car pools.

I'm a dance mom. I'm just not one of THOSE dance moms... Right?

When I Don't Get It Done (Again)

I wasn't going to blog at all tonight. I was going to post to Facebook some lame excuse as to why I didn't get it done, and go to sleep. I am doing one (very small) step above that - a lame blogpost here about not blogging.

Why? Because at least I've blogged. I am 1 week into the challenge, and right at the point where I usually give up. But tonight's not that night!

To add legitimacy (and length) to this post, I leave you with this: a picture of my adorable kids. Because who could be disappointed at these faces? No one, that's who!!