I want to start this post with a bit of a forewarning to those reading it. I am about to talk about my breastfeeding journey with my babies. I hesitated about whether or not to share this at first. I am not ashamed about the choices I have made, in fact, I am incredibly proud. I am not embarrassed about the act of breastfeeding or about talking about it - I am very much an advocate, and have managed to make a profession out of it. But despite how passionate I am about it, and how much of my life really does revolve around it, to talk about my personal experience is difficult for me at times - I do not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
I hope that you can read this post as my own personal experience, achievement, and struggle. It is not meant to cast judgement, disappointment, or shame on anyone else. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
Now on to the post.
I was still nursing Tobes up to last week. He turns 3 in just a few weeks. It snuck up on me quickly - while I never gave it much thought, I didn't think that we would be "still" nursing at this point. It has had it's ups and downs, and while some days I feel touched out or even annoyed at the seemingly constant (every few days) demand for milk at this point, there is no words I can use to explain the feeling I have to have my little boy curled in my arms nursing, even now.
Princess nursed until she was just over 2 (approximately 26 months) - it's approximate because it happened so gradually I don't actually remember her "last nurse". All I know is that days between sessions grew longer and longer, until one day she came to nurse and had lost her latch - she couldn't figure out how to nurse anymore. She shrugged (literally - it was adorable!) and moved along her merry way, and that was the end.
Tobes' end was a little more pronounced. He was down to nursing one or two days a week, but those days could contain anywhere between 1 and 5 sessions, depending on what kind of day we were having, how he was feeling, if he was sick, etc. But last week the end of our nursing relationship was brought suddenly and unexpectedly before us.
Last Monday Tobes had a shower. Usual routine for a long time was to bundle him up in a towel afterwards, and snuggle before putting on jammies. Up until recently the snuggling also included nursing, though as he's gotten older and life has gotten busier, it has been more and more infrequent. That night, however, my sweet little boy sat in my lap, looked up at me with his big blue eyes, and batting his eyelashes he asked to nurse. I allowed him to, and after a few minutes, he looked in disappointment. "There no nuh-nuh!" he exclaimed (our word for nursing). I tried to express some, but only drops came out. I offered the other side to him, and the same thing happened. I explained that there might not be any nuh-nuh anymore, and we both shared a sad moment, and a snuggle. We have tried twice since then (last time was Thursday), and each time there has been no nuh-nuh, no matter if either of us are ready for it to be gone.
With Princess, the process was so gradual that it came to a silent, almost unnoticed end. It was driven by her, and my milk lasted long after she was done. This time around, I've run out of milk for my little boy. I know that he's more-than ready. We go days, sometimes a week without nursing, and have transitioned to snuggles and other things to comfort and bond with him. His immune system is better than any of ours, and while these last 3 times have been sad (for both of us!) the sadness was fleeting for him and he quickly moved on. I have been the one left reeling from it. I am excited for him to grow up and hit new and exciting stages, and so sad to lose this for myself.
For 80 months (6 years, 8 months) my body has been growing children. I have either been pregnant (including the pregnancy between Princess and Tobes), or breastfeeding (for an approximate total of 61 months). Now I am not. It has been nice to wear real bras, less breastfeeding-friendly clothing (like certain shirts and dresses) and not worry about pseudoephedrine in allergy season, but I will never breastfeed again. We aren't planning on having anymore children, and so this is the end of an era for me. It's a topic that I am passionate about both personally, and now professionally, but I am done my own personal journey with it.
I am grateful for the encouragement and support from my husband, my family, and my friends. I am grateful for La Leche League for giving me a place to fit-in. I am grateful for the kind strangers who gave me thumbs up, smiles, or understanding nods as I struggled to nurse my frantic babies on planes, in malls, and restaurants. I am thankful for everyone who respected my decisions even if they didn't agree or understand. I am thankful for those who questioned my decisions to further their own education and understanding. And most of all I am thankful for my beautiful Princess who made my first experience so easy and wonderful, and for my handsome Tobes who humbled me and reminded me that breastfeeding isn't a science, it's an art.
And now this is The End.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Most Unbelievable Day...
I barely slept. I was so excited, and yet so nervous. What if she froze on stage? What if she had a horrible time? What if she forgot a step and got embarrassed? What if it was too much for her? What if she didn't want to do it anymore? Princess seemed totally fine in the days leading up. She's been waiting almost 3 years to compete, which when you're not quite 6, is a considerable amount of time!
Yesterday we woke up at the crack of dawn. She scarfed down breakfast while I pulled and sprayed and gelled and combed her hair into submission. It's amazing what a few well-placed bobbypins can do. I finally got her "ready enough" and we were ready to go. Hubs came downstairs to say goodbye (he was waiting for Tobes to wake up and then he'd meet us there) and away we went.
The competition (Feis) was across the city from us, almost an hour drive. We spent the ride talking about the Feis (I assured her that what mattered most was that she danced her best, and had fun. Trophies and medals didn't matter in the end), as well as listening to the Backstreet Boys (who celebrated their 20th anniversary last week). We arrived at the place and quickly found a place to change. The unfortunate nature of these events is "hurry up and wait" - there is a general order of events, but everything depends heavily on the number of competitors in each competition. It generally means that it's a mad rush to get ready, only to hang around the stage until it's your turn. While Princess and I were in the midst of the rush, Hubs, my dad and his fiancee, and my mom met at the stage.
Once ready, one of Princess's dance teachers pulled her aside to run through the dances on the side. She reinforced a few points, and wished her luck. Then it was time. I had her lined up at the stage, fixed her shoes, and reminded her one more time that all that mattered was she danced her best, and had fun. I wished her luck once more and then took my place at the back of the room, camera-ready (they normally don't allow, except for the little-little ones - try to stop us!)
I was completely unprepared for what would happen next...
Let me set the stage (haha). At competitions, the music is set for each dance. They play one song for the reel, one song for the light jig, etc. Each step is 16 counts, and at this age they do 2 steps each. What differs is the choreography of each dancer. Every school, and sometimes every dancer will have different choreography. The dancers line up at the back of the stage, and in groups of 2 or 3, they move forward and dance.
For the little kids there are stage helpers - they tell the kids when to move up, and start their final 8 counts before they start. As you get older, you keep track, and move up on your own, so that it's a seamless line of dancers going in groups of 2's and 3's.
Princess has danced in front of crowds before, but NEVER with dancers from other schools with other choreography. She's been warned, and prepped, but nothing can truly prepare you for the added difficulty of being distracted-by and avoiding other dancers on stage!
The music started, and she was in the very first group. They walked her up on stage, and... She danced her little heart out. She was dancing with 2 other girls, and the look on her face was priceless. Half the time her tongue was sticking out in concentration (we're working on it), the other half she was beaming smiles at the judges, at the audience, and at me. Her feet weren't always pointed, and she didn't always tuck, but she gave the performance of her life. Back-to-back-to-back-to-back she danced - first in a special First Feis competition (only with others who had never competed before), and then with the "regular" competition, against girls who had competed at least once before, all under the age of 7. Every time she danced her little heart out, and every time she left the stage with a grin.
I had to run back to the change room to grab hairspray before Princess had her final solo competition - the BIG one - First Feis Trophy. The results boards were on the way, and I just couldn't help it. I peeked. The first 2 results (First Feis categories) were posted and.... She placed 1st!!! I tried not to cry, but couldn't resist finding a secluded corner to call Hubs, who was back with her at the stage. I fought back tears as I grabbed the hairspray, and by the time I went back, the other 2 results were posted, where she placed first AGAIN. She sweeped all 4 categories, and won 1st for all.
I rejoined Hubs, my dad and his fiancee, and my mom. I whispered in all their ears the results, and tried not to let-on to Princess, who at this point was happily watching all the other girls dance on the stage, oblivious to any notion that there were results to see and medals to collect.
Finally I couldn't wait any longer. I took her over to the boards and asked her what she saw. I asked her to find her name, and told her that if it was at the top of the list, it means she got first place. The look on her face was priceless as she searched out her name on each of the 4 lists. The girls at the medals table were all champ dancers from Mattierin (volunteering as they weren't dancing until much later), and were all so excited for her as they passed her each first place medal! One girl even gave her a lanyard to wear the medals on.
Princess was floating on cloud 9 as we made our way over to the stage for her trophy dance. I took Princess over to the corner again and we went through her reel, the dance she would perform for her trophy. Princess was excited to get up on the stage again and perform, and otherwise was as cool as a cucumber. It was me that had butterflies. I felt like such a dork, and total stage-mom. My daughter was happily oblivious to it all, and I was a ball of nerves.
Finally her competition was called, and she took the stage again. And again, her smile beamed, her tongue stuck-out and she danced her little heart out! The competition was tough. It was the same dancers she competed her first set of dances with, but each new competition is a new challenge. She did beautifully, however. Regardless of the outcome, I knew she had again danced her best.
It was time to relax now, and wait for the results. These would be called after all the Trophy competitions had danced, and the winners would actually be announced on stage. We met up with her friends from her dance class (who were in different competitions because of age), took pictures, texted friends and family who couldn't make it, and chatted about the day. Finally it was time to call the competitions. I almost missed them, truth be told, because I just wasn't paying attention to the loudspeaker. Another parent pointed it out to me, and Tara and I rushed over to the stage.
The announced 7th... 6th... 5th place... I was pretty sure Princess was top 3, but as they announced 3rd and 2nd my heart started to race again. They awarded every First Feis-er with a little trophy, but the winner of this would get the perpetual for a year with their name added to it. They announced 1st and Princess was whisked up to the stage... My little girl won. My little girl won her trophy dance!!!!
She won all 5 solo dances, and advanced in 2 of her dances right off the bat. They had a fun little "most promising dancer dance-off" with all the First Feis Trophy winners (in all ages - Princess being the youngest, oldest being in the "over 10" category) that Princess was close to winning, but had mixed up a few steps. It was a great lesson for her, however - she didn't skip a beat, and just kept on dancing with a smile. Her teachers were really proud of how she handled it (as was I!) The winner was from the next age group up, and brought her A-game.
Princess also performed a group dance with gusto, and was the youngest and "greenest" in the competition! She learned the choreography 2 weeks before.
I couldn't be more proud, and we are both counting down the time until we can do it again!!
Yesterday we woke up at the crack of dawn. She scarfed down breakfast while I pulled and sprayed and gelled and combed her hair into submission. It's amazing what a few well-placed bobbypins can do. I finally got her "ready enough" and we were ready to go. Hubs came downstairs to say goodbye (he was waiting for Tobes to wake up and then he'd meet us there) and away we went.
The competition (Feis) was across the city from us, almost an hour drive. We spent the ride talking about the Feis (I assured her that what mattered most was that she danced her best, and had fun. Trophies and medals didn't matter in the end), as well as listening to the Backstreet Boys (who celebrated their 20th anniversary last week). We arrived at the place and quickly found a place to change. The unfortunate nature of these events is "hurry up and wait" - there is a general order of events, but everything depends heavily on the number of competitors in each competition. It generally means that it's a mad rush to get ready, only to hang around the stage until it's your turn. While Princess and I were in the midst of the rush, Hubs, my dad and his fiancee, and my mom met at the stage.
Once ready, one of Princess's dance teachers pulled her aside to run through the dances on the side. She reinforced a few points, and wished her luck. Then it was time. I had her lined up at the stage, fixed her shoes, and reminded her one more time that all that mattered was she danced her best, and had fun. I wished her luck once more and then took my place at the back of the room, camera-ready (they normally don't allow, except for the little-little ones - try to stop us!)
I was completely unprepared for what would happen next...
Let me set the stage (haha). At competitions, the music is set for each dance. They play one song for the reel, one song for the light jig, etc. Each step is 16 counts, and at this age they do 2 steps each. What differs is the choreography of each dancer. Every school, and sometimes every dancer will have different choreography. The dancers line up at the back of the stage, and in groups of 2 or 3, they move forward and dance.
For the little kids there are stage helpers - they tell the kids when to move up, and start their final 8 counts before they start. As you get older, you keep track, and move up on your own, so that it's a seamless line of dancers going in groups of 2's and 3's.
Princess has danced in front of crowds before, but NEVER with dancers from other schools with other choreography. She's been warned, and prepped, but nothing can truly prepare you for the added difficulty of being distracted-by and avoiding other dancers on stage!
The music started, and she was in the very first group. They walked her up on stage, and... She danced her little heart out. She was dancing with 2 other girls, and the look on her face was priceless. Half the time her tongue was sticking out in concentration (we're working on it), the other half she was beaming smiles at the judges, at the audience, and at me. Her feet weren't always pointed, and she didn't always tuck, but she gave the performance of her life. Back-to-back-to-back-to-back she danced - first in a special First Feis competition (only with others who had never competed before), and then with the "regular" competition, against girls who had competed at least once before, all under the age of 7. Every time she danced her little heart out, and every time she left the stage with a grin.
I had to run back to the change room to grab hairspray before Princess had her final solo competition - the BIG one - First Feis Trophy. The results boards were on the way, and I just couldn't help it. I peeked. The first 2 results (First Feis categories) were posted and.... She placed 1st!!! I tried not to cry, but couldn't resist finding a secluded corner to call Hubs, who was back with her at the stage. I fought back tears as I grabbed the hairspray, and by the time I went back, the other 2 results were posted, where she placed first AGAIN. She sweeped all 4 categories, and won 1st for all.
I rejoined Hubs, my dad and his fiancee, and my mom. I whispered in all their ears the results, and tried not to let-on to Princess, who at this point was happily watching all the other girls dance on the stage, oblivious to any notion that there were results to see and medals to collect.
Finally I couldn't wait any longer. I took her over to the boards and asked her what she saw. I asked her to find her name, and told her that if it was at the top of the list, it means she got first place. The look on her face was priceless as she searched out her name on each of the 4 lists. The girls at the medals table were all champ dancers from Mattierin (volunteering as they weren't dancing until much later), and were all so excited for her as they passed her each first place medal! One girl even gave her a lanyard to wear the medals on.
Princess was floating on cloud 9 as we made our way over to the stage for her trophy dance. I took Princess over to the corner again and we went through her reel, the dance she would perform for her trophy. Princess was excited to get up on the stage again and perform, and otherwise was as cool as a cucumber. It was me that had butterflies. I felt like such a dork, and total stage-mom. My daughter was happily oblivious to it all, and I was a ball of nerves.
Finally her competition was called, and she took the stage again. And again, her smile beamed, her tongue stuck-out and she danced her little heart out! The competition was tough. It was the same dancers she competed her first set of dances with, but each new competition is a new challenge. She did beautifully, however. Regardless of the outcome, I knew she had again danced her best.
It was time to relax now, and wait for the results. These would be called after all the Trophy competitions had danced, and the winners would actually be announced on stage. We met up with her friends from her dance class (who were in different competitions because of age), took pictures, texted friends and family who couldn't make it, and chatted about the day. Finally it was time to call the competitions. I almost missed them, truth be told, because I just wasn't paying attention to the loudspeaker. Another parent pointed it out to me, and Tara and I rushed over to the stage.
The announced 7th... 6th... 5th place... I was pretty sure Princess was top 3, but as they announced 3rd and 2nd my heart started to race again. They awarded every First Feis-er with a little trophy, but the winner of this would get the perpetual for a year with their name added to it. They announced 1st and Princess was whisked up to the stage... My little girl won. My little girl won her trophy dance!!!!
She won all 5 solo dances, and advanced in 2 of her dances right off the bat. They had a fun little "most promising dancer dance-off" with all the First Feis Trophy winners (in all ages - Princess being the youngest, oldest being in the "over 10" category) that Princess was close to winning, but had mixed up a few steps. It was a great lesson for her, however - she didn't skip a beat, and just kept on dancing with a smile. Her teachers were really proud of how she handled it (as was I!) The winner was from the next age group up, and brought her A-game.
Princess also performed a group dance with gusto, and was the youngest and "greenest" in the competition! She learned the choreography 2 weeks before.
I couldn't be more proud, and we are both counting down the time until we can do it again!!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
She Has My Feet.
"She has your feet". I blinked twice. Not totally sure if this is a good or a bad thing. I had a strong point and was fantastic at soft shoe, but my ankles were never loose enough for hard shoe and all the stretching in the world never made it better.
"No, it's a good thing!" both my (ex) dance teachers assured me.
It's something I've been waiting to hear for more than 8 years. Ever since I stopped dancing. I've re-entered the world - but not as a dancer, as a dance mom.
Princess has been dancing now for almost 3 years with my old school, with my old teachers. In just 2 weeks, she'll be at her first competition, literally next door to where I used to compete. I am so freaking excited. I am excited for myself, and for her. To say I'm not living vicariously through her at all would be a lie - I didn't start dancing until I was much older, and while I did well, I don't think I had the potential she's showing. But what brings me the most joy is not seeing her perfect a step, or perform at St. Patrick's Day. It's not how cute she looks with her hair in curls or in a school dress. It's the smile on her face. It's the beaming smile she has, and the pride that she has when she dances. It's the girl who danced several times in front of crowds of more than a hundred at Heritage Festival, and cried when we had to leave (after being there for more than half a day). She might miss steps, or forget to point, but she is having fun, and that makes me so happy. I love watching her make up dances, and try to dance along to the girls in "Jig" or "Strictly Irish Dancing".
Of course I love when people come up tell me that she must have gotten it from me. Of course I'm proud when she dances well, and points her toes perfectly. Of course I love to watch her perform her little heart out and be applauded. Of course I hope she blows everyone out of the water at this feis. Most of all, however, I love that SHE loves something that I loved too. I love that she begs me to practice with her EVERY DAY, and I love that I usually have to put a time limit to it (usually half an hour max). I love that she counts down the hours to dance class every week, and is hoping she'll be asked to join in on the dance camp again this summer (she got the opportunity to join the big kids with a team-dance camp).
If I have to hold the title of Dance Mom, I am so happy that I get to be hers!
I am also happy that she has my feet. And that apparently it's a good thing ;)
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Silent Treatment
First, I need to get something off my chest.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have laryngitis. I lost my voice completely Monday night. Today (Thursday) is the most I've been able to speak, which was still limited to a 10 minute phone call, a 1.5 hour excursion, and brief directions given to the kids here and there throughout the day. Otherwise, this momma's mute.
I don't do mute.
I need to talk. I need noise, I need conversation. Even when Princess was a baby my days were spent talking to her, singing to her, and reading to her. It's no wonder her language development is where it's at now! Usually our days are filled with conversations and questions and general silliness, but I have been without a voice for the last 3 days and it's driving me crazy!!! I cannot ask the kids to get dressed or explain to them why they can/cannot do/have things. I cannot bargain, or request or direct. I cannot call them into the kitchen, or respond to their calls to me.
And yet, it might be the best/coolest thing to happen to our family in awhile... We have had to completely shift our way of communicating with me. I have had to sign/pantomime (Princess is JUST on the verge of reading, but not enough to be reliable) and the kids have had to learn to adapt and pay more attention. And it's working! Tuesday morning started with a pep talk from my husband (they were up early... whee...) which prepped the kids that I was going to be without words. The last 3 days we've gone though the regular routine, I've also taken them out to places like Ikea and Costco without issue. I've adopted the clapping pattern Princess is used to from her school, and they've both been really receptive. Even Tobes, who is in the midst of the "Terrible Twos", doesn't take long to remember that I am without voice and most of the time seeks me out versus calling or crying for me where he is. They're having fun playing charades with me (and attempting to pantomime answers back) and without being able to carry conversations, the attempts to bargain or question have been kept to a minimum, and usually satisfied with a brief whisper in their ears!!
My husband has suggested I continue this practice as it seems to be getting great results.
Seriously, I don't do mute.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have laryngitis. I lost my voice completely Monday night. Today (Thursday) is the most I've been able to speak, which was still limited to a 10 minute phone call, a 1.5 hour excursion, and brief directions given to the kids here and there throughout the day. Otherwise, this momma's mute.
I don't do mute.
I need to talk. I need noise, I need conversation. Even when Princess was a baby my days were spent talking to her, singing to her, and reading to her. It's no wonder her language development is where it's at now! Usually our days are filled with conversations and questions and general silliness, but I have been without a voice for the last 3 days and it's driving me crazy!!! I cannot ask the kids to get dressed or explain to them why they can/cannot do/have things. I cannot bargain, or request or direct. I cannot call them into the kitchen, or respond to their calls to me.
And yet, it might be the best/coolest thing to happen to our family in awhile... We have had to completely shift our way of communicating with me. I have had to sign/pantomime (Princess is JUST on the verge of reading, but not enough to be reliable) and the kids have had to learn to adapt and pay more attention. And it's working! Tuesday morning started with a pep talk from my husband (they were up early... whee...) which prepped the kids that I was going to be without words. The last 3 days we've gone though the regular routine, I've also taken them out to places like Ikea and Costco without issue. I've adopted the clapping pattern Princess is used to from her school, and they've both been really receptive. Even Tobes, who is in the midst of the "Terrible Twos", doesn't take long to remember that I am without voice and most of the time seeks me out versus calling or crying for me where he is. They're having fun playing charades with me (and attempting to pantomime answers back) and without being able to carry conversations, the attempts to bargain or question have been kept to a minimum, and usually satisfied with a brief whisper in their ears!!
My husband has suggested I continue this practice as it seems to be getting great results.
Seriously, I don't do mute.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Forgiveness... Part 2
It's funny, when I wrote my first post on forgiveness, I didn't think it had anything to do with the season (at least, I didn't intend it to, but who am I to question God's timing on when things are pressed onto my heart!) and yet here we sit just hours away from Good Friday.
I feel ridiculous, but the peace I have found even since writing out my post last week has been so amazing. It goes beyond the words I typed out in an attempt to empty my brain before bed. It's a big step I am taking this spring to "not sweat the small stuff", and also to just move on from anything that has held me back before. To finally make a decision to accept an apology from myself, move on, and forgive myself has been wonderful. It also has let me accept forgiveness from God in a way that I don't think I've felt in a long time. I don't have an issue with repentance, my issue is allowing guilt and shame wash over me, instead of believing that God actually forgives me. That I can actually be forgiven by Him.
The timing is amazingly perfect. We are coming up on Easter, when Jesus died for our sins, and rose from the grave 3 days later. This Easter, more than any others, I will not take for granted that sacrifice. Because of Him, I am free.
I am truly free.
Happy Easter
I feel ridiculous, but the peace I have found even since writing out my post last week has been so amazing. It goes beyond the words I typed out in an attempt to empty my brain before bed. It's a big step I am taking this spring to "not sweat the small stuff", and also to just move on from anything that has held me back before. To finally make a decision to accept an apology from myself, move on, and forgive myself has been wonderful. It also has let me accept forgiveness from God in a way that I don't think I've felt in a long time. I don't have an issue with repentance, my issue is allowing guilt and shame wash over me, instead of believing that God actually forgives me. That I can actually be forgiven by Him.
The timing is amazingly perfect. We are coming up on Easter, when Jesus died for our sins, and rose from the grave 3 days later. This Easter, more than any others, I will not take for granted that sacrifice. Because of Him, I am free.
I am truly free.
Happy Easter
Monday, March 18, 2013
Forgiveness.
I have been writing versions of this post for months. Every time I get close to hitting "publish", something stops me. It's too hard. I'd much rather write about my awesomely cute kids, or Disneyland. Especially Disneyland. But it's something that I've struggled with for 10+ years. And hopefully when I hit "publish" tonight, I can hopefully find peace.
I'm not always quick to forgive . I am usually quick to understand, and even quick to ignore or brush aside, but when I am deeply hurt, or someone I love is, sometimes forgiveness is the last thing I want to do. Even if God wants me to. I will forgive others, but I'm not always eager to do it. Sometimes I want to mull and brood in the pain. I am the victim, after all. And I have been hurt. But I have learned, especially in the last few years, that the brooding and mulling just isn't worth it. I need to forgive. And so I do. Maybe it's in prayer that I find the strength, or in God's word. Maybe it's in a conversation with a loved one, or maybe it's a letter I write in private, never to been seen by anyone else, that the forgiveness is given. I release the grudge, and I can move past.
But there is one person I have had an especially hard time forgiving. There is one person that hurts more than anyone else could, or than I would let anyone else try. There is one person that keeps me awake at night, because the pain of what they have done haunts my dreams.
That person is myself. If I have acted out of character, made a mistake, or even if a well-intentioned act is misunderstood, I guilt myself over it. I am embarrassed and upset with myself about things I have done decades ago sometimes. I have accepted and forgiven apologies, and accepted and forgiven those who might never apologize. I have made apologies and accepted forgiveness from others. But I can't forgive myself. And while I know of God's grace and forgiveness for me, my own unforgiveness towards myself stands in my way. Because, of course, I know the situation better than God does. Of COURSE I know my heart better than Him. Of course I don't, but it's not always easy to remember that. So I suffer from insomnia, or I have a little panic attack, or I am reminded of a misdeed through something random in my daily life. I need to let go, I need to move on. I deserve to.
Tonight I have decided to do it. It is time to close this door on this chapter. I will no longer mull on the pain. I will no longer accept the lies I've told myself or have accepted from others about who I am when I have made choices that are not normally of my character. I am loving, caring, and kind. And I am human. I will no longer regret the things I cannot change, or be the victim any longer. In forgiving myself, I can finally fully enjoy God's forgiveness in these matters too.
It is time to close the door on this. It has been far too long.
I'm not always quick to forgive . I am usually quick to understand, and even quick to ignore or brush aside, but when I am deeply hurt, or someone I love is, sometimes forgiveness is the last thing I want to do. Even if God wants me to. I will forgive others, but I'm not always eager to do it. Sometimes I want to mull and brood in the pain. I am the victim, after all. And I have been hurt. But I have learned, especially in the last few years, that the brooding and mulling just isn't worth it. I need to forgive. And so I do. Maybe it's in prayer that I find the strength, or in God's word. Maybe it's in a conversation with a loved one, or maybe it's a letter I write in private, never to been seen by anyone else, that the forgiveness is given. I release the grudge, and I can move past.
But there is one person I have had an especially hard time forgiving. There is one person that hurts more than anyone else could, or than I would let anyone else try. There is one person that keeps me awake at night, because the pain of what they have done haunts my dreams.
That person is myself. If I have acted out of character, made a mistake, or even if a well-intentioned act is misunderstood, I guilt myself over it. I am embarrassed and upset with myself about things I have done decades ago sometimes. I have accepted and forgiven apologies, and accepted and forgiven those who might never apologize. I have made apologies and accepted forgiveness from others. But I can't forgive myself. And while I know of God's grace and forgiveness for me, my own unforgiveness towards myself stands in my way. Because, of course, I know the situation better than God does. Of COURSE I know my heart better than Him. Of course I don't, but it's not always easy to remember that. So I suffer from insomnia, or I have a little panic attack, or I am reminded of a misdeed through something random in my daily life. I need to let go, I need to move on. I deserve to.
Tonight I have decided to do it. It is time to close this door on this chapter. I will no longer mull on the pain. I will no longer accept the lies I've told myself or have accepted from others about who I am when I have made choices that are not normally of my character. I am loving, caring, and kind. And I am human. I will no longer regret the things I cannot change, or be the victim any longer. In forgiving myself, I can finally fully enjoy God's forgiveness in these matters too.
It is time to close the door on this. It has been far too long.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Surrounded
3 weeks ago, my Goddaughter was born.
She is sweet and beautiful and wonderful, and I love her very much.
For the count, this is now my second Godchild (a title I hold with GREAT pride and honor)! I also hold the title of "Auntie" to many other littles, and have many, many other wonderful littles in my life beyond that. I am surrounded by babies! 2 friends just had babies in the last few weeks, 2 more friends are due imminently, and now there's a whole roster of friends now due in August/September! I have been an "Auntie"/Godmother for almost 9 (!!!) years now, and it's a pretty sweet gig.
And here I sit, with my not-so-little littles (by comparison at least). It's a weird feeling. I have entered this whole new stage with my family. Babydom/Toddlerhood is so demanding that sometimes it's hard to fathom a world that exists beyond it. Babbles have turned into conversations, snuggles are still aplenty but you have to catch them first ;) First steps are now dancing and tumbling and running and jumping. Naptime is scarce, but replaced with school and activities and playtime.
I think I have baby fever, but I'm not sure how much of it is actual baby fever, or how much of it is being VERY aware of just how not-little my littles are now. Just how old they are, and just how much they've lived out the cliche of "just yesterday they were newborns". I've come a long way from newborn cries and baby naps on my chest and I miss them. I know this new stage is bigger and more wonderful than I can ever imagine. I know this was a phase I was excited for - when sleep might be more plentiful (hah hah... But that's a different post altogether) and when they were old enough to play on their own. Now that it's here... I don't know! I am excited for the people they are becoming - to take Princess to dance competitions (her first is next month!) and Tobes has developed a love for gymnastics. To take them swimming all by myself (which I've just started to do), and outings are so much easier without a diaper bag to pack! I still miss the baby phase though. I often joke with friends that I would get pregnant and have babies forever if I could, but I think parenting-wise, I'm maxed out at 2! *lol*
But that's ok. In the meantime I'll watch my other littles grow, and welcome new littles into my life, even if they aren't completely "mine"
For the count, this is now my second Godchild (a title I hold with GREAT pride and honor)! I also hold the title of "Auntie" to many other littles, and have many, many other wonderful littles in my life beyond that. I am surrounded by babies! 2 friends just had babies in the last few weeks, 2 more friends are due imminently, and now there's a whole roster of friends now due in August/September! I have been an "Auntie"/Godmother for almost 9 (!!!) years now, and it's a pretty sweet gig.
And here I sit, with my not-so-little littles (by comparison at least). It's a weird feeling. I have entered this whole new stage with my family. Babydom/Toddlerhood is so demanding that sometimes it's hard to fathom a world that exists beyond it. Babbles have turned into conversations, snuggles are still aplenty but you have to catch them first ;) First steps are now dancing and tumbling and running and jumping. Naptime is scarce, but replaced with school and activities and playtime.
I think I have baby fever, but I'm not sure how much of it is actual baby fever, or how much of it is being VERY aware of just how not-little my littles are now. Just how old they are, and just how much they've lived out the cliche of "just yesterday they were newborns". I've come a long way from newborn cries and baby naps on my chest and I miss them. I know this new stage is bigger and more wonderful than I can ever imagine. I know this was a phase I was excited for - when sleep might be more plentiful (hah hah... But that's a different post altogether) and when they were old enough to play on their own. Now that it's here... I don't know! I am excited for the people they are becoming - to take Princess to dance competitions (her first is next month!) and Tobes has developed a love for gymnastics. To take them swimming all by myself (which I've just started to do), and outings are so much easier without a diaper bag to pack! I still miss the baby phase though. I often joke with friends that I would get pregnant and have babies forever if I could, but I think parenting-wise, I'm maxed out at 2! *lol*
But that's ok. In the meantime I'll watch my other littles grow, and welcome new littles into my life, even if they aren't completely "mine"
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