Dear God, Thank you Jesus. AMEN!

Tara has started to pray. It started in the car on Friday. I was going to my doctor appointment and feeling anxious. I was on the phone to Greg, and when I hung up the phone, I heard a little voice say "Amen!"...

"Tara, are you praying to Jesus?"
"Yes mommy! I pray to Jesus. Thank you Jesus, Amen!"

... Her prayers have now extended ever so slightly. Today she was at the top of her little slide when she said

"Mommy, I want to pray to Jesus. Dear God, thank you Jesus. Amen!"

If we're supposed to approach God with childlike faith, I think I've gotten too wordy!!!

At a loss...

I have been trying to think of the right time to write this, the right time to share this news, and the right words to say. Then I realized that I'm probably not going to get them all right anyway, so why waste anymore time?

Greg and I miscarried on July 15th. I was 11 weeks plus 2 days, and started spotting, which turned into bleeding, which then (with some minor medical intervention) turned into a full blown miscarriage. The ultrasound said that the fetus probably stopped developing around the 5 week mark, meaning it took my body 6 more weeks to realize it. The most awful part about it was just that I couldn't do ANYTHING. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't make it go by faster, I just had to wait.

And that's where I still am. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for my body to get back to normal. I'm waiting to be able to start trying again. I'm waiting to get pregnant again and move on from this horrible limbo that I'm in.

And while I'm waiting I feel like I'm supposed to be more focused on the sadness of mourning this lost life, when really I feel like a life was never "lost", it was just lent to me for awhile. The "baby" never even developed as such - just a group of cells - one destined to be a placenta, one turning into a sac. What has been the hardest part is coping with the change. I was supposed to have my 12 week visit on Friday, and instead it was a post-miscarriage appointment. I bought summer maternity clothes because my bump developed at 9 weeks and it was hard to fit into my shorts anymore. I had figured out my delivery and contacted the doctor I was going to go with. We just started telling people, and now we had to keep track of who we told so that we could update them. It's hard because people don't seem to understand. I have been told by the healthcare team following me that I need to give myself time to grieve before I move on, and yet it's the moving on that I find comfort in. I feel so disjointed right now, and it feels like between the medication, the bloodwork, and appointments I eating, sleeping, breathing, and living this miscarriage.

I am tired of waiting. I am ready to move on. I just want to be back to normal again.

Why I Love Weddings...

It should come as no surprise to anyone by now that I love weddings. I heart them bad. I am a community leader on a wedding board, I would LOVE to be an event (wedding) planner someday, and my heart skips a beat when I get an invitation in the mail.

Why do I love them so much? I don't think I even totally knew until today.

Today I was at the wedding of a choir friend, and her sister did the sermonette, and it felt like she was speaking for me! I can't totally explain it, nor can I remember her words exactly to write them down here, but I'm going to try to list to you guys why I heart weddings.

1) On the spiritual plane, I love the what the Bible calls marriage to be. We are called to love each other like Jesus loves the church. Greg and I as husband and wife are called to be God's light to the world, and to show the world God's love to us! Greg and I are to love one another for who we are, where we are, and what we are. We are to devote ourselves to each other's wellbeing, wants, and needs.

2) I don't know if there's anything more romantic!! The entire day is centered around 2 people who are madly in love, who have decided to devote their lives to one another! Everyone is wearing pretty clothes, decked out in their finest, and the whole place is filled with love!!

3) I love the idea of marriage! I am in wonder and awe of the idea of two people chosing to spend the rest of their lives together, for better or for worse. The vows are so personal and so beautiful, if they're written by the couple, or something more "standard". It's a promise to be taken so seriously, and yet it's such a romantic notion!

4) Weddings are such a transforming day. If you think about it, it's witnessing the birth of a marriage. Two individuals start the day (usually apart), primping, preparing, nervous and excited. The ceremony begins, and they meet each other. Through the ceremony, no matter what elements are there, at some point the couple say their vows, promising themselves to one another. And then, the proclimation, and they are married! Two lives become one, two souls become one (if that's what you believe), and a marriage is born. Then it's time to party ;)

Something that did stick in my mind from today (the reception speeches) was that Marriage is a verb. It is something you do, not something you are. Greg and I take our marriage very seriously. We spent over a year preparing ourselves for it (I'm talking beyond wedding planning) and I think every wedding we attend is just another reminder of what we are called to do, and who we are called to be.

Not all weddings are equal, but big or small, elaborate or simple, as long as the couple (and family and friends) is serious about their marriage, it's the most beautiful event I could have the honor of being a part of :)

What's This?!

When I was pregnant with Tara, I was paranoid. How much of this little baby's development is based on genes, and how much is based on environment? If I missed a meal (usually because it spent only a short time in my stomach thanks to morning sickness) or forgot my prenatals, did that mean she would be at a deficit later? How could I foster a love for learning that her father and I share? Would she know to question things, love to read books, and have a big imagination?

Any of those doubts have flown out the window. Tara is the inquisitive, intelligent little girl I always dreamed of.

Her latest phase, although annoying at times, might be my favorite. Her most used phrase right now is "What's this?!", usually said with wonder and awe. It could be about anything - who we've passed on the street, something she sees in a store, or on TV. I do my best to supply the simplest, but truest answer, which is responded to with "Oh yes! __________!" as though I've simply reminded her of what it is.

Sometimes we play this game all day! But it's how she's learning about the world around her, and I'm happy to take part!

Obsessed!

Tara has now become a fan of all things "Princess". I thought that if it was pink or frilly she was drawn to it instantly. The Disney Store was having a HUGE sale and she got a pretty pink dress with sparkly flowers and Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) on it, as well as a "gown". Not the tulle-y, fluffy, fancy princess gowns (those were still very, VERY expensive, but I'm saving my pennies!) but a pink satin gown with little ruffles all over the skirt, and a picture of 3 princesses (Belle, Aurora, and Cinderella) on it. She picked out 2 pairs of sparkly pink flipflops to go along with her outfits.

She naps in her Princess bed, usually in her favorite Princess pajamas, and every morning she wakes up asking for her Princess dress...

I THOUGHT that if it was pink or frilly she was drawn to it instantly... Nope! This morning her "Princess dress" was a blue frock that I used to wear as a child. I thought she'd DIE if we watched a Princess movie, but a few minutes in, she was asking for Max and Ruby (I even fast-forwarded to all the Princess parts!) And her "Princess cup" of choice this morning was the green tupperware tumbler.

And now she's playing with her "Princess cars" (hotwheels)...

I realize now her only exposure to anything remotely Princess-related has been the episode where Ruby puts on a play about 2 princesses who go to the ball, and the Disney faces that are plastered on her bed, toy cellphone, her pajamas, and 2 new dresses.

"Princess" has taken on the meaning of "I really like this, and think it's cool" and I'm ok with that ;)

Besides, it's only 5 years until we take her to meet real princesses... In Disneyland! ;)

Tara Turns Two...

This Thursday my daughter will officially be two, and I am just not ready. There's no way of going about it. SHE is not old enough to be two.

In the past month, she had really grown up. She is speaking fuller than full sentances, she has mastered "I" vs "You", though she still gets caught up with verbs (like "I are"). She has switched from "needing" everything, to "need wanting" some things, "needing" others. She is drinking from a big girl cup, has all but mastered the art of cutlery, and hates getting her hands dirty!

She can dance, and run, and jump. She can stand on one foot (WITHOUT help, though it doesn't last long, of course!) She climbs on everything, walks backwards around the house, and insists on doing things by herself!

But she's really not old enough to be two!!

I Hate That You Go...

I always feel torn. I am so proud of my husband and always have been. Travelling is part of his job, and he loves it. It's a big deal that he's the trusted representative of his department and go on these big trips. But I miss him so much when he's gone. The house is quiet, and it's lonely. I have plenty of friends, but it's not the same. I'm lonely without him.

It's hard to strike a balance between loving and supportive, and selfish and needy ;)