Forgiveness... Part 2

It's funny, when I wrote my first post on forgiveness, I didn't think it had anything to do with the season (at least, I didn't intend it to, but who am I to question God's timing on when things are pressed onto my heart!) and yet here we sit just hours away from Good Friday.

I feel ridiculous, but the peace I have found even since writing out my post last week has been so amazing. It goes beyond the words I typed out in an attempt to empty my brain before bed. It's a big step I am taking this spring to "not sweat the small stuff", and also to just move on from anything that has held me back before. To finally make a decision to accept an apology from myself, move on, and forgive myself has been wonderful. It also has let me accept forgiveness from God in a way that I don't think I've felt in a long time. I don't have an issue with repentance, my issue is allowing guilt and shame wash over me, instead of believing that God actually forgives me. That I can actually be forgiven by Him.

The timing is amazingly perfect. We are coming up on Easter, when Jesus died for our sins, and rose from the grave 3 days later. This Easter, more than any others, I will not take for granted that sacrifice. Because of Him, I am free.

I am truly free.

Happy Easter

Forgiveness.

I have been writing versions of this post for months. Every time I get close to hitting "publish", something stops me. It's too hard. I'd much rather write about my awesomely cute kids, or Disneyland. Especially Disneyland. But it's something that I've struggled with for 10+ years. And hopefully when I hit "publish" tonight, I can hopefully find peace. 

I'm not always quick to forgive . I am usually quick to understand, and even quick to ignore or brush aside, but when I am deeply hurt, or someone I love is, sometimes forgiveness is the last thing I want to do. Even if God wants me to. I will forgive others, but I'm not always eager to do it. Sometimes I want to mull and brood in the pain. I am the victim, after all. And I have been hurt. But I have learned, especially in the last few years, that the brooding and mulling just isn't worth it. I need to forgive. And so I do. Maybe it's in prayer that I find the strength, or in God's word. Maybe it's in a conversation with a loved one, or maybe it's a letter I write in private, never to been seen by anyone else, that the forgiveness is given. I release the grudge, and I can move past.

But there is one person I have had an especially hard time forgiving. There is one person that hurts more than anyone else could, or than I would let anyone else try. There is one person that keeps me awake at night, because the pain of what they have done haunts my dreams.

That person is myself. If I have acted out of character, made a mistake, or even if a well-intentioned act is misunderstood, I guilt myself over it. I am embarrassed and upset with myself about things I have done decades ago sometimes. I have accepted and forgiven apologies, and accepted and forgiven those who might never apologize. I have made apologies and accepted forgiveness from others. But I can't forgive myself. And while I know of God's grace and forgiveness for me, my own unforgiveness towards myself stands in my way. Because, of course, I know the situation better than God does. Of COURSE I know my heart better than Him. Of course I don't, but it's not always easy to remember that. So I suffer from insomnia, or I have a little panic attack, or I am reminded of a misdeed through something random in my daily life. I need to let go, I need to move on. I deserve to.

Tonight I have decided to do it. It is time to close this door on this chapter. I will no longer mull on the pain. I will no longer accept the lies I've told myself or have accepted from others about who I am when I have made choices that are not normally of my character. I am loving, caring, and kind. And I am human. I will no longer regret the things I cannot change, or be the victim any longer. In forgiving myself, I can finally fully enjoy God's forgiveness in these matters too.

It is time to close the door on this. It has been far too long.

Surrounded

3 weeks ago, my Goddaughter was born.

She is sweet and beautiful and wonderful, and I love her very much. 

For the count, this is now my second Godchild (a title I hold with GREAT pride and honor)! I also hold the title of "Auntie" to many other littles, and have many, many other wonderful littles in my life beyond that. I am surrounded by babies! 2 friends just had babies in the last few weeks, 2 more friends are due imminently, and now there's a whole roster of friends now due in August/September! I have been an "Auntie"/Godmother for almost 9 (!!!) years now, and it's a pretty sweet gig.

And here I sit, with my not-so-little littles (by comparison at least). It's a weird feeling. I have entered this whole new stage with my family. Babydom/Toddlerhood is so demanding that sometimes it's hard to fathom a world that exists beyond it. Babbles have turned into conversations, snuggles are still aplenty but you have to catch them first ;) First steps are now dancing and tumbling and running and jumping. Naptime is scarce, but replaced with school and activities and playtime.

I think I have baby fever, but I'm not sure how much of it is actual baby fever, or how much of it is being VERY aware of just how not-little my littles are now. Just how old they are, and just how much they've lived out the cliche of "just yesterday they were newborns". I've come a long way from newborn cries and baby naps on my chest and I miss them. I know this new stage is bigger and more wonderful than I can ever imagine. I know this was a phase I was excited for - when sleep might be more plentiful (hah hah... But that's a different post altogether) and when they were old enough to play on their own. Now that it's here... I don't know! I am excited for the people they are becoming - to take Princess to dance competitions (her first is next month!) and Tobes has developed a love for gymnastics. To take them swimming all by myself (which I've just started to do), and outings are so much easier without a diaper bag to pack! I still miss the baby phase though. I often joke with friends that I would get pregnant and have babies forever if I could, but I think parenting-wise, I'm maxed out at 2! *lol*

But that's ok. In the meantime I'll watch my other littles grow, and welcome new littles into my life, even if they aren't completely "mine"