A Firm Handshake with Change.

I have a secret.

I HATE change.

I can't embrace it. Most I can muster up is a cordial wave, and MAYBE a firm handshake. If I have to.

I hide it well, I know. Most of you can't even believe it, can you? ;) And yet, my life has been completely turned upside-down, and I'm coping. I am a planner. And my plans might change, but I still like being able to have a plan to focus on. And that's not the case right now.

We moved. Surprise! And my world turned upside-down. And now as the dust is settling, more changes are just around the bend. To keep this from being too cryptic, it's related to my livelihood(s). New opportunities are presenting themselves, and the comfort of routine isn't all that comfortable anymore. Or routine! I'm not intentionally leaving out many details, I don't have many to give! *lol*

I'm just sitting here, clutching to the sofa, and trying to ride out the waves!

Not Gonna Lie...

Tonight sucked.

I worked at the NICU today. It's not an easy job, but it has always been something I've enjoyed (not always the politics, but the work itself has been rewarding). I used to say that for every sad ending, we had 10 happier ones. The walls of the unit are lined with letters and pictures and even scrapbook pages of our graduates. Are they "normal" and healthy? Not always. But every time a baby is born at as little as 25 weeks (remember that normal term gestation is 40-42 weeks) and survives it's a miracle.

Sometimes we have really sad stories. I used to be able to be compassionate to the parents, but ultimately remove myself from the situation long enough to work on the patient and stay focused. It has become exponentially harder now that I have children of my own.

Tonight was just one of those nights. Today was a little sad, and tonight it was so much harder for me to remove myself from the situation. It was so much harder to leave work at work and not think about it when I arrived home. Tonight kind of sucked.

The thought that keeps me going is that every time I face these babies, I am just that much more thankful for my own. Pregnancies are miracles. But nothing is guaranteed. Healthy babies and healthy children are absolute miracles too.

Goodnight. I am going to go cuddle the absolute miracle I call Tobes.

So This is Love...

Sometimes I think my life is a Disney movie ;)

Le sigh...

I'm in love, ladies. IN LOVE.

And I'm not just talking about my husband ;)

We have been house shopping! We went on Friday, and again tonight. Friday we looked at 6 houses from a list of 12 that I sent our Realtor throughout the week. We looked at 2 older houses in one neighborhood (literally right down the block from The Common Sense Crusader!!), 2 older houses that were just minutes away from there, a new house in a BRAND NEW development, and a newer (12 years old) house in a newer development. It was a great chance for us to see in person the houses that had caught our eye online.

Today our Realtor honed in on our comments from Friday, and picked out 4 more houses in the last neighborhood we looked at on Friday.

I am in LOVE :)

The neighborhood mixed all that we love about older neighborhoods (the homes aren't quite so cookie-cutter, lots of parks, schools and rec centers nearby, and the trees along the street are a little bigger) and newer developments (newer houses, open floor plans, and lots of young families).

The last house in particular that we saw was lovely :) It was 1800 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms. The basement is unfinished, but there was a HUGE bonus room upstairs, and a nice backyard. As soon as we walked in, we started daydreaming. We felt a little like we did back when we were house-hunting for our first home - newly engaged, fantasizing about starting a family someday. It's been on the market for awhile, and so my fingers are crossed that when we sign the papers to list (in 2 weeks, as long as everything goes well!) that the house might still be available when we're ready to sign (we were NOT ready to put an offer on it today).

There was also another one we saw today. 4 bedrooms (one in the finished basement), 3.5 bathrooms (again, one in the finished basement - a perfect guest suite!) a beautiful bonus room, and a HUGE deck in the backyard, with enough space to still fit in some sort of play structure for the kids (a newer item on our wishlist). Apparently they have been getting a LOT of showings, but at least we know that we have some good options out there when we go to list! We also have a few more neighborhoods to look at. I don't think they'll be as perfect as what we saw today, but they could definitely still meet our needs (and a few are cheaper too!)

On that note, just 2 weeks left! Eeek! We've said goodbye to the red paint in our livingroom and kitchen (I'll show before and after pics soon!) and the blue wall in our bedroom has gone taupe as well. (SUPER impressed with our painter. He was inexpensive, and did kitchen, livingroom, and bedroom in just under 6 hours! He's coming back at the end of the month to do the basement).

It doesn't feel like our house anymore with all of our personal touches neutralized, but that's ok :) Tonight I found some pretty awesome places we can personalize instead ;)

Feeling a Little Displaced

If you've seen my house before (those who know me in real life), you almost wouldn't recognize it now!!

I've cleared the livingroom walls of all pictures in anticipation for this weekend, when our crayon-red walls get painted a nice, neutral taupe. We'll put a few pictures back up, but for the most part it's all staying down. The blue accent in our bedroom is going taupe as well (to match the rest of our walls). Thankfully we're leaving the murals Hubbyman painted in Princess and Tobe's rooms (he put a LOT of effort into them!)

We've got a storage unit for the extra furniture we have, and the basement is being measured for carpet on Wednesday (we've been promised installation by the end of July).

We have 3 weeks until we're hoping to list. We have 3 weeks left of certainty. I don't know how long it'll take to sell. We're hoping to be in a new home by Christmas, but that's just 5 months total from start to finish. How long will it sit on the market? How many offers will we get? What will the final price be? We built our first home, so the process was WAY different - we found the house, got the move-in date, and arranged our leases based on it.

We've obviously never done this before, so the thought of trying to orchestrate selling, buying, move-out and move-in dates. I know people do this all the time, but it's still new and scary exciting and daunting!

Eeep!

Why I Like "Crappy" Music... (and make no apologies for it)

All you people, can't you see, can't you see, NKOTBSB!!! :D

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Backstreet's Back (alright!) and have joined up with New Kids On The Block for every teeny bopper's dream concert! They'll be in town this Tuesday! I have seen Backstreet Boys EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. they've come to town, minus last year, when Tobes was a newborn and I had to make the choice between breastfeeding and Backstreet Boys (it was a tough call, ladies!)

My e-mail account used to be closetbsbfan @ hotmail dot com. I have loved BSB ever since I first heard "Get Down" in grade 9 (1996!). Nick was my favorite at first, but that later changed to Brian, and he's forever been my favorite since.

I make no apologies for my "horrible" taste in music (I like a lot of pop music, though I wish not to disclose other artists at this time ;)) and despite being teased incessantly, boy bands make me happy :)

It's certainly not the deep, soul-stirring lyrics ("You are my fire, my one desire...") or the synthesized music (let's call a spade a spade. Pop stars are NOT musicians. They are pretty faces who can sing and dance and sell magazine covers and put on amAZing shows) that gets my heart racing.

When I listen to my BSB playlist, I feel 14 again. I'm having sleepovers with my friends, and we're buying magazines, taping specials on our VCRs, and saving up allowances for CDs,  posters, and concerts. I had some AWESOME summers with the Backstreet Boys, and I go back there whenever I hear "Backstreet's Back" or "As Long As You Love Me".

So I'll be at that concert on Tuesday night. And I'll lose my voice screaming every time Brian comes on stage ;)

My Reflections on the Last 4 Years...

Tobes, 1 year ago

I have been writing this post over and over and over again. I thought that my "Mommyhood" post was born in May (and left unfinished and rewritten 10 times over), but a search (and cleanup!) though my drafts folder on Blogspot has shown me that I actually had 2 more starts to this topic dating back to March of 2009.

My post on Fatherhood came easily to me. My husband is inspiring, and an amazing father to my 2 children. More than I could ever ask for. It was easy to write about such a fantastic parent.

But what do I say about motherhood? And while I just celebrated my 4th anniversary as a mother, what makes what I have to say any more inspiring than anyone else?

I do not pretend to be an expert, and I do not pretend to be flawless. If anything, I am still climbing a very steep learning curve.

But this is what I HAVE learned about myself and motherhood in the last 4 years...

• Time for myself doesn't have to be time by myself, but it's important either way.
• I find the company of a 4 year old to be one of great fun, and great laughter. Most of the time.
• I finally appreciate my mom's "wait until it's your turn" comment when she seemed frazzled after I spent hours talking nonstop growing up...
• It's ok to be frustrated sometimes.
• It's ok to make mistakes. As long as Princess doesn't write a memoir...
• I am a good mom despite showering alone, having a hairstyle that takes time to style, scrapbooking, or spending money on things for me (those "repost this if you are a REAL mom..." statuses on facebook KILL me!)
• I am crazy-proud of my children for the most ridiculous things.
• I am not as patient as I thought I was. Actually, that's not true. I am just as impatient as I thought I was. And it's my impatience that is my daily lesson.
• Though it may take time for me to gather up courage, I am willing and able to do whatever it takes to protect me and my family no matter what I'm protecting them from.
• To do what's best for me, and to do what's best for my children aren't always the same, but I hope that I will always find a way to keep them compatible.
• Discipline and guiding behaviour is infinitely more daunting a task than I ever imagined.

And finally,

• Motherhood is, at the end of the day, about raising a person. Someday Princess and Tobes will be contributing members of society, and I hope that my family's values and beliefs are instilled in them. I hope they are happy, productive people. I hope they never question God's love for them, and I hope they never question our love for them. 

I am sure there is more I could add to this list, but my daughter's "reading time" is done, and I am being beckoned to pray with her and give her a count-to-ten-snuggle ;)

Baby Steps

I promise myself I will remember this moment when they're teenagers and annoying the crap out of each other (and me)

Tobes has started to walk more than crawl now. He's cruising. He's moving from one piece of furniture to the other (walking hands-free inbetween), from one person's leg to another, and standing around just watching Princess play. This is brand new as of this week, and pretty fantastic to watch.

It's amazing to watch the transition Tobes is going through from crawling to walking. Though even now, he prefers to walk holding onto our fingers, and I usually have to pry my fingers from his grasp for him to walk on his own. He stops for a minute and looks back at me before taking the tentative step on his own.

But this post isn't about him... It's about me!

I have been cruising the metaphorical furniture in my career so far. It's been comfortable. I don't need to go to the center of the room, I am good right here hanging out between the couch and the coffee table. But I see those arms beckoning me away. They're JUST out of my reach, and if I stumble, they might not catch me in time.

And I don't yet realize that the middle of the room is where it's at, and beyond that there are HUGE applications for this newly acquired skill. I can walk to the middle of the room, I can walk back. I can walk with the big kids, and sometimes walking leads to running, and then watch out!!

But to picture myself running at this point is impossible. There are too many things to do, too many things to learn. And that's when I get overwhelmed, and cling to my safe, comfortable couch...

Baby steps, Erie. Baby steps.

Dryclean Only

Labels. We've all got them. Some we're proud of ( "Daughter of God", "Mother", "Wife") and some we're not. Some we've given ourselves, and some are given to us.

I live with a lot of labels. I've recently played around with some different labels, most recently balancing crunchy momma (though as one of my besties, The Common Sense Crusaider, would point out, crunchy conservative is a much better fit) and suburban housewife. I'm struggling to keep the seemingly presigious SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom) label in my collection, despite the fact that at the end of next week, I start a pretty prestigious paid job (for us nurses, these teaching gigs don't just fall out of the sky!) Maybe I'm all of them. Maybe I'm none. And maybe that's ok.

Maybe I don't need to follow all the directions on the label exactly to be able to use it.

Sometimes You Just Need to Put on Your Big Girl Panties...

It's funny, I have used this phrase so many times in the past few months, but this time, I'm not talking about anyone else, I'm talking about me!

Greg is gearing up for another trip. While we didn't actually know his job would involve travelling when he took it, the trips have sadly become a large part of his job description. His work has taken him to India, China, Ireland, Singapore, as well as countless locations in the US and Canada. Unfortunately aside from taking an extra 2 days to see the Taj Mahal in India, and for a family vacation before his work in Ireland, he never gets to ENJOY the places he's travelling to. He's usually gone for at least a week, occasionally two, and it usually means that the weekend before and after are broken up with trips to the airport.

It's gotten easier as time has progressed. We've invested in our laptops so we can now webcam to chat so we don't miss a day of facetime :) And, sadly, I'm getting more use to him being gone. Before Princess came along, his trips would mean extra shifts and LOTS of overtime. If I wasn't at work, I was sleeping. It sucked, and I was lonely, but we managed. The extra $ from my overtime helped.

Now that the littles are here, I actually clear my schedule of work while he's gone. I try to maintain as much normalcy as possible for them. We usually follow the same pattern - first few days are lonely and out of sync, the next while we find our groove, and the last day or two take SO LONG to go by - it's an hour-by-hour countdown for Daddy's return.

It's time for me to put on my big-girl panties, and change my outward attitude for the littles. As Princess gets older and... develops independence (to put it nicely somedays!) I get a reminder that I am modeling every behaviour for her. So this trip I'm challenging myself. While I HATE when he's gone, I want to make his trips special for them. This means sleepovers in the big bed (Tobes is with us, but Princess sleeps in her own room otherwise), special outings, and special dinners. And hopefully by modelling better attitude for them, it'll help me feel better soon.

I hate when he's gone, but this is not the first, nor the last of his travelling. I might as well make the most of it!

Blogging for the sake of it ;)

I'm still trying to figure out what I want this little blog to be. Some blog about a struggle they are battling with, some blog about their families, some blog about their work, some blog about causes. I'm guessing this will probably turn into one about my family. As I start to think about launching a business for myself, I am considering HOW and WHAT PART I want to brand. I'm thinking of launching a seperate blog and twitter account for writing about advocacy, and lactation-related goodies. But I'm hoping to keep this one up and going as well. I want to blog more often about my family. I am AWFUL at keeping up baby books. Hopefully taking the time to blog or journal a little bit every day will at least give me a point a reference when I look back in a year and try to remember what The Tobes was like at 9 months old, or what hilarious things Princess said (the other day, she tried to convince me that I should watch TV instead of playing on the computer, becasue the TV was so much better... "Tangled" was in the DVD player on our laptop...) So yeah. Blogging for the sake of it right now, but hopefully I'll take better advantage of this little blog o' mine ;)

What Are You REALLY Fighting For?

I wanted to start this off by saying that this is about no one in particular, but written for everyone (myself included). This thought process started out as one conversation with one friend months ago, and then stemmed to more conversations, with more friends.

I have been blessed to know many MANY strong people in my life. They are nurses, teachers, business people, volunteers, activists, and advocates for a variety of causes. They are fighting for a cause, they are fighting for themselves, they are fighting for their familes, and they are fighting for others. They are fighting the government, they are fighting legislation, they are fighting colleagues, team-members and they are fighting pre-existing stereotypes, labels, and misconceptions.

It's clear to me that each of these people have taken up the cause because they've believed in it. Something about it has implanted deep within them. I, for example, am an avid advocate of breastfeeding.

It can be exciting to take a stand and fight. To share the information, educate others, break down barriers and push through. It's awesome to see minds change, and people impacted by your actions, by your taking a stand. And it's a responsibility. I am a nurse, consultant, and educator - it's my JOB to be passionate about this topic.

But I think deep down every one of us need to take a pause and contemplate exacting what we're fighting for, and exactly who we're fighting against. Do you actually know what you're getting into? Do you actually know the other side of the argument? Educate yourself on both sides. Your argument is a million times stronger if you already know what they're going to say. Do you know your sources? Do you know theirs?
And do you know who you're up against? Are they the attackers or the uneducated? Are they the unjust or the uninformed? There are times and places for the bullhorn and picket-line, yes. But don't forget that actions can also speak louder than words, and sometimes respect begets respect. Are they people you know, or strangers? The high-powered, or the person on the street? Are they people like you, or polar opposites? Do you know their background, their resources, what led them to where they are, and why they believe what they do?

It's disheartening to see people get disrespected by the bullhorn, or turned off by someone's on or off-podium actions. And it's frustrating to get painted with the same brush. In all the fighting, where's the compassion? Where's the respect? Just because you're right (or think you're right) doesn't make other people automatically wrong.

So I beg you to take a moment and think about how you take up your cause. Because your actions don't just impact you. They impact us all.

When the "Transitioning" Become the "Transitioned"...

I'm officially coming out of the closet. At least here. I don't know exactly who reads this or how often, so this is kinda a big deal, but it's a smaller deal than let's say facebook or the entire world.

I'm a lactation consultant.

That's right. I wrote my exam. I am officially an IBCLC. I have an official card and pins and everything. And a certificate. That's right. I have a piece of paper and a PLASTIC card (no paper nonsense like my RN membership) with my full name on it. And 2 metal pins. All of them say that despite my procrastination and baby-brain and 2 children, I did over 1000 practicce hours, 75 hours of education, and passed a day-long exam and have now joined the ranks of International Board Certified Lactation Consultants. I could be hired at a hospital, have my own private practice, or work with doctors, midwives, or doulas.

But I am in hiding, mostly.

Why am I hiding? Because it feels safer. Because while this is a passion of mine, and a longterm dream, I think it's easier to not acknowledge it. At least not yet.

I look at other lactation consultants that I know (both with formal and informal training, both with formal and informal titles) and they're SO knowledgeable and SO smart. And I know all of my shortcomings, and I know all the things I don't know.

But I also understand that I will always be learning, and I will always be growing, and it takes time and practice to become who I see these other women as. And now, I'm just as qualified to do the job as any of them.

So I'm out of the closet. But don't tell your friends. At least not yet ;)