Forgiveness.

I have been writing versions of this post for months. Every time I get close to hitting "publish", something stops me. It's too hard. I'd much rather write about my awesomely cute kids, or Disneyland. Especially Disneyland. But it's something that I've struggled with for 10+ years. And hopefully when I hit "publish" tonight, I can hopefully find peace. 

I'm not always quick to forgive . I am usually quick to understand, and even quick to ignore or brush aside, but when I am deeply hurt, or someone I love is, sometimes forgiveness is the last thing I want to do. Even if God wants me to. I will forgive others, but I'm not always eager to do it. Sometimes I want to mull and brood in the pain. I am the victim, after all. And I have been hurt. But I have learned, especially in the last few years, that the brooding and mulling just isn't worth it. I need to forgive. And so I do. Maybe it's in prayer that I find the strength, or in God's word. Maybe it's in a conversation with a loved one, or maybe it's a letter I write in private, never to been seen by anyone else, that the forgiveness is given. I release the grudge, and I can move past.

But there is one person I have had an especially hard time forgiving. There is one person that hurts more than anyone else could, or than I would let anyone else try. There is one person that keeps me awake at night, because the pain of what they have done haunts my dreams.

That person is myself. If I have acted out of character, made a mistake, or even if a well-intentioned act is misunderstood, I guilt myself over it. I am embarrassed and upset with myself about things I have done decades ago sometimes. I have accepted and forgiven apologies, and accepted and forgiven those who might never apologize. I have made apologies and accepted forgiveness from others. But I can't forgive myself. And while I know of God's grace and forgiveness for me, my own unforgiveness towards myself stands in my way. Because, of course, I know the situation better than God does. Of COURSE I know my heart better than Him. Of course I don't, but it's not always easy to remember that. So I suffer from insomnia, or I have a little panic attack, or I am reminded of a misdeed through something random in my daily life. I need to let go, I need to move on. I deserve to.

Tonight I have decided to do it. It is time to close this door on this chapter. I will no longer mull on the pain. I will no longer accept the lies I've told myself or have accepted from others about who I am when I have made choices that are not normally of my character. I am loving, caring, and kind. And I am human. I will no longer regret the things I cannot change, or be the victim any longer. In forgiving myself, I can finally fully enjoy God's forgiveness in these matters too.

It is time to close the door on this. It has been far too long.