Tara has started to pray. It started in the car on Friday. I was going to my doctor appointment and feeling anxious. I was on the phone to Greg, and when I hung up the phone, I heard a little voice say "Amen!"...
"Tara, are you praying to Jesus?"
"Yes mommy! I pray to Jesus. Thank you Jesus, Amen!"
... Her prayers have now extended ever so slightly. Today she was at the top of her little slide when she said
"Mommy, I want to pray to Jesus. Dear God, thank you Jesus. Amen!"
If we're supposed to approach God with childlike faith, I think I've gotten too wordy!!!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
At a loss...
I have been trying to think of the right time to write this, the right time to share this news, and the right words to say. Then I realized that I'm probably not going to get them all right anyway, so why waste anymore time?
Greg and I miscarried on July 15th. I was 11 weeks plus 2 days, and started spotting, which turned into bleeding, which then (with some minor medical intervention) turned into a full blown miscarriage. The ultrasound said that the fetus probably stopped developing around the 5 week mark, meaning it took my body 6 more weeks to realize it. The most awful part about it was just that I couldn't do ANYTHING. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't make it go by faster, I just had to wait.
And that's where I still am. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for my body to get back to normal. I'm waiting to be able to start trying again. I'm waiting to get pregnant again and move on from this horrible limbo that I'm in.
And while I'm waiting I feel like I'm supposed to be more focused on the sadness of mourning this lost life, when really I feel like a life was never "lost", it was just lent to me for awhile. The "baby" never even developed as such - just a group of cells - one destined to be a placenta, one turning into a sac. What has been the hardest part is coping with the change. I was supposed to have my 12 week visit on Friday, and instead it was a post-miscarriage appointment. I bought summer maternity clothes because my bump developed at 9 weeks and it was hard to fit into my shorts anymore. I had figured out my delivery and contacted the doctor I was going to go with. We just started telling people, and now we had to keep track of who we told so that we could update them. It's hard because people don't seem to understand. I have been told by the healthcare team following me that I need to give myself time to grieve before I move on, and yet it's the moving on that I find comfort in. I feel so disjointed right now, and it feels like between the medication, the bloodwork, and appointments I eating, sleeping, breathing, and living this miscarriage.
I am tired of waiting. I am ready to move on. I just want to be back to normal again.
Greg and I miscarried on July 15th. I was 11 weeks plus 2 days, and started spotting, which turned into bleeding, which then (with some minor medical intervention) turned into a full blown miscarriage. The ultrasound said that the fetus probably stopped developing around the 5 week mark, meaning it took my body 6 more weeks to realize it. The most awful part about it was just that I couldn't do ANYTHING. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't make it go by faster, I just had to wait.
And that's where I still am. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for my body to get back to normal. I'm waiting to be able to start trying again. I'm waiting to get pregnant again and move on from this horrible limbo that I'm in.
And while I'm waiting I feel like I'm supposed to be more focused on the sadness of mourning this lost life, when really I feel like a life was never "lost", it was just lent to me for awhile. The "baby" never even developed as such - just a group of cells - one destined to be a placenta, one turning into a sac. What has been the hardest part is coping with the change. I was supposed to have my 12 week visit on Friday, and instead it was a post-miscarriage appointment. I bought summer maternity clothes because my bump developed at 9 weeks and it was hard to fit into my shorts anymore. I had figured out my delivery and contacted the doctor I was going to go with. We just started telling people, and now we had to keep track of who we told so that we could update them. It's hard because people don't seem to understand. I have been told by the healthcare team following me that I need to give myself time to grieve before I move on, and yet it's the moving on that I find comfort in. I feel so disjointed right now, and it feels like between the medication, the bloodwork, and appointments I eating, sleeping, breathing, and living this miscarriage.
I am tired of waiting. I am ready to move on. I just want to be back to normal again.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Why I Love Weddings...
It should come as no surprise to anyone by now that I love weddings. I heart them bad. I am a community leader on a wedding board, I would LOVE to be an event (wedding) planner someday, and my heart skips a beat when I get an invitation in the mail.
Why do I love them so much? I don't think I even totally knew until today.
Today I was at the wedding of a choir friend, and her sister did the sermonette, and it felt like she was speaking for me! I can't totally explain it, nor can I remember her words exactly to write them down here, but I'm going to try to list to you guys why I heart weddings.
1) On the spiritual plane, I love the what the Bible calls marriage to be. We are called to love each other like Jesus loves the church. Greg and I as husband and wife are called to be God's light to the world, and to show the world God's love to us! Greg and I are to love one another for who we are, where we are, and what we are. We are to devote ourselves to each other's wellbeing, wants, and needs.
2) I don't know if there's anything more romantic!! The entire day is centered around 2 people who are madly in love, who have decided to devote their lives to one another! Everyone is wearing pretty clothes, decked out in their finest, and the whole place is filled with love!!
3) I love the idea of marriage! I am in wonder and awe of the idea of two people chosing to spend the rest of their lives together, for better or for worse. The vows are so personal and so beautiful, if they're written by the couple, or something more "standard". It's a promise to be taken so seriously, and yet it's such a romantic notion!
4) Weddings are such a transforming day. If you think about it, it's witnessing the birth of a marriage. Two individuals start the day (usually apart), primping, preparing, nervous and excited. The ceremony begins, and they meet each other. Through the ceremony, no matter what elements are there, at some point the couple say their vows, promising themselves to one another. And then, the proclimation, and they are married! Two lives become one, two souls become one (if that's what you believe), and a marriage is born. Then it's time to party ;)
Something that did stick in my mind from today (the reception speeches) was that Marriage is a verb. It is something you do, not something you are. Greg and I take our marriage very seriously. We spent over a year preparing ourselves for it (I'm talking beyond wedding planning) and I think every wedding we attend is just another reminder of what we are called to do, and who we are called to be.
Not all weddings are equal, but big or small, elaborate or simple, as long as the couple (and family and friends) is serious about their marriage, it's the most beautiful event I could have the honor of being a part of :)
Why do I love them so much? I don't think I even totally knew until today.
Today I was at the wedding of a choir friend, and her sister did the sermonette, and it felt like she was speaking for me! I can't totally explain it, nor can I remember her words exactly to write them down here, but I'm going to try to list to you guys why I heart weddings.
1) On the spiritual plane, I love the what the Bible calls marriage to be. We are called to love each other like Jesus loves the church. Greg and I as husband and wife are called to be God's light to the world, and to show the world God's love to us! Greg and I are to love one another for who we are, where we are, and what we are. We are to devote ourselves to each other's wellbeing, wants, and needs.
2) I don't know if there's anything more romantic!! The entire day is centered around 2 people who are madly in love, who have decided to devote their lives to one another! Everyone is wearing pretty clothes, decked out in their finest, and the whole place is filled with love!!
3) I love the idea of marriage! I am in wonder and awe of the idea of two people chosing to spend the rest of their lives together, for better or for worse. The vows are so personal and so beautiful, if they're written by the couple, or something more "standard". It's a promise to be taken so seriously, and yet it's such a romantic notion!
4) Weddings are such a transforming day. If you think about it, it's witnessing the birth of a marriage. Two individuals start the day (usually apart), primping, preparing, nervous and excited. The ceremony begins, and they meet each other. Through the ceremony, no matter what elements are there, at some point the couple say their vows, promising themselves to one another. And then, the proclimation, and they are married! Two lives become one, two souls become one (if that's what you believe), and a marriage is born. Then it's time to party ;)
Something that did stick in my mind from today (the reception speeches) was that Marriage is a verb. It is something you do, not something you are. Greg and I take our marriage very seriously. We spent over a year preparing ourselves for it (I'm talking beyond wedding planning) and I think every wedding we attend is just another reminder of what we are called to do, and who we are called to be.
Not all weddings are equal, but big or small, elaborate or simple, as long as the couple (and family and friends) is serious about their marriage, it's the most beautiful event I could have the honor of being a part of :)
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