I have been trying to think of the right time to write this, the right time to share this news, and the right words to say. Then I realized that I'm probably not going to get them all right anyway, so why waste anymore time?
Greg and I miscarried on July 15th. I was 11 weeks plus 2 days, and started spotting, which turned into bleeding, which then (with some minor medical intervention) turned into a full blown miscarriage. The ultrasound said that the fetus probably stopped developing around the 5 week mark, meaning it took my body 6 more weeks to realize it. The most awful part about it was just that I couldn't do ANYTHING. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't make it go by faster, I just had to wait.
And that's where I still am. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for my body to get back to normal. I'm waiting to be able to start trying again. I'm waiting to get pregnant again and move on from this horrible limbo that I'm in.
And while I'm waiting I feel like I'm supposed to be more focused on the sadness of mourning this lost life, when really I feel like a life was never "lost", it was just lent to me for awhile. The "baby" never even developed as such - just a group of cells - one destined to be a placenta, one turning into a sac. What has been the hardest part is coping with the change. I was supposed to have my 12 week visit on Friday, and instead it was a post-miscarriage appointment. I bought summer maternity clothes because my bump developed at 9 weeks and it was hard to fit into my shorts anymore. I had figured out my delivery and contacted the doctor I was going to go with. We just started telling people, and now we had to keep track of who we told so that we could update them. It's hard because people don't seem to understand. I have been told by the healthcare team following me that I need to give myself time to grieve before I move on, and yet it's the moving on that I find comfort in. I feel so disjointed right now, and it feels like between the medication, the bloodwork, and appointments I eating, sleeping, breathing, and living this miscarriage.
I am tired of waiting. I am ready to move on. I just want to be back to normal again.
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If moving on is what you need then that's what you should do! DON'T follow other people's recipes for 'coping', God made you the amazing UNIQUE woman you are & only HE can tell you how to deal with this. He has given you wisdom & guidance in deciding what you & your family need right now. Trust those instincts! I love you so much & am praying for you guys!!
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