10 Things.

Yesterday wasn't all bad. It was pretty awful, one of the worst days of the past year, I almost quit right then and there, but there were a few silver linings. I am still processing it, but part of that process is to recognize the things that made it not entirely awful.

1. Princess loves her new class. Her desk is beside one of her friends from last year, and her best-school-friends from Kindergarten and Grade 1 are in her class.
2. Princess remembers French afterall. And apparently her teacher is "really nice".
3. Tobes got a new airplane magazine, and we snuggled on the couch last night looking at all the cool jets.
4. My grocery shopping got done. And I mean my once-a-month monster shopping got done. Major thanks to Zita for that one. During the shopping trip I also got to process almost all of my emotions so that I wasn't a raging lunatic for the entire day.
5. My husband took the afternoon off. He took the afternoon off because his hysterical wife called him sobbing and threatening to sell his son to the circus, but it was nice to see him nonetheless.
6. I got to take Princess out for "coffee" after school, which gave us a solid hour of "us" time and I got to hear all about her first day at school. And give her that hug I owed her. There were lots of hugs. She was embarrassed by the sheer number of hugs. My duty was done.
7. Tobes calmed down and got to build his new puzzle in the afternoon.
8. I got a workout in.
9. I made yummy meatballs for supper (thank goodness for #4!!)
10. I got a lot of comments, private messages, and texts from close friends, past friends, and acquaintances who read my blog post yesterday, and last night you were all my support team. It was really nice to hear just how not-alone I was, and just how many people understood what I was going through when I sincerely felt like I was on a little lonely island. I know some people get it, I just didn't realize how many. 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I Cried.

I sincerely thought this September would be different. We had worked on anxiety issues, sleep issues, and diet issues. We talked a LOT about what September 2nd would look like for all involved. We counted down days, and also talked about schedules and "what's next". We planned and prepped and I genuinely thought this year would be different.

It couldn't get any worse.

Except it did. This year Princess was nervous about going into Grade 2. In French immersion, grade 2 is the year that they are expected to speak all-French, all the time. She was cool and collected until last night, when she became scared and intimidated. This morning she crawled into my bed, and we snuggled for a full hour before the alarm went off.

This year Tobes, who had regressed at the beginning of the summer in all aspects (sleep, anxiety, etc) and then who had a bit of a leap forward in August, woke up in a horrible mood, and it built from there. Despite all the discussion and preparation we did, he just wasn't ready for today.

This year I was as prepared as I thought I could be the night before - Princess had all the stuff she needed, Tobes had all the stuff I needed, but forgot to grab all the stuff I needed... Like my purse.

This morning went ok - we got celebratory pictures in the driveway, we talked more about our plans for the day, and were ready to go... I thought. Then I couldn't find my purse, which set us back 10 minutes. Then Tobes started to cry (full-on tears, boarderline meltdown) about everything (first it was that he was hungry. When I gave him his snack, he was bored, then he was thirsty, etc), which wore on my nerves. Then traffic was horrific, which set us back another few. Then the 15 minute buffer I gave myself slowly slipped away. We got to school just before the first bell, which would have been more than enough time if I weren't dragging a sobbing kid down a packed hallway.

We found Princess' classroom, which was almost full. I urged her towards a desk and she stood there, frozen. She knew most of the kids in her class, and her two best school friends were there which was awesome, but the "big kid" desks in the "big kid" classroom were overwhelming. And Toby was screaming, and I was being ushered out along with the other parents by the teacher. I quickly said my goodbyes and I left. No picture of her in her desk, no helping her find her coat hook, I was gone.

I was mad at this point. I got Tobes in the car, and started to drive.

Then I thought about how I didn't get to give my daughter a hug goodbye. And I cried.
Then I thought about how my son was "supposed to be" better. And I cried.
Then I thought about how he ruined my morning. And I cried.
Then I thought about how furious I was with him. And I cried.
Then I thought about how guilty I felt for thinking that way. And I cried.
Then I thought about how much he loved his sister. And I cried.
Then I thought about how much he missed her too. And I cried.
Then I thought about how my daughter comes second so often in our everyday lives. And I cried.
Then I thought about how I was once that kid who had "needier" younger siblings, and how much I resented my parents sometimes. And I cried.
Then I thought about how this would be the last time I ever had a "First Day Dropoff" with just her. And I cried.
Then I thought about how old she is getting, and how much I feel like I've missed in her life because of "other things" (so very much beyond other family members), and I cried.

My day overall improved, thanks to a best friend willing to grocery shop with two blubbery messes, and a husband who rushed home at lunch. I took Princess out for "coffee" after school and we are having a chill evening. But it's going to take some time to recover from this one.

Last Days of Summer

I've taken the last few days off from the Summer Blog Challenge, and I'm not all that sorry. I have a few new half-finished posts in my queue (of course), but this weekend is the last weekend of summer, and we are enjoying as much of it as we can!

Princess is counting-down down hours (literally) until she starts grade 2. She is excited and ready to go. Her backpack is packed, first-day outfit is picked, and she is excited to meet her new teacher. She is excited to see her school friends again, and excited for a "real desk".

Tobes is anxious (as he is every September). He is not looking forward to his sister/best friend going back to school. He's not looking forward to his playmate being gone for so long. However, he is excited for gymnastics to start up again, and we've already created a list 10-miles long of fun activities to do during our days alone again. I've also gotten smarter, and this year I've formed a bit of a "Lonely Younger Siblings Club" - finding other abandoned younger siblings that he can playdate with.

But for now, we soak up the very last day of summer vacation. This summer has been amazing. I lament that it's gone by so fast, and yet when I look at my bucket list there are very few things that haven't been crossed off. Montreal was an AMAZING adventure, and I reconnected with childhood friends on the other side of the country. The kids saw Niagara Falls, and Princess danced on stage with National-level competitors. This summer we went to the zoo (a lot), Fort Edmonton, and the corn maze. This summer we swam and biked and spent an insane amount of time outside at spray parks. This summer Princess learned to ride a 2-wheeler, and Tobes passed a level in swimming. This summer they both got a lot braver in the water, Princess learned to swing across the monkeybars all by herself, and Tobes started to learn Star Wars math.

This summer went by way too quickly (in 23 hours and 40 minutes, Princess starts school) but we filled it with fantastic memories!