I Cried.

I sincerely thought this September would be different. We had worked on anxiety issues, sleep issues, and diet issues. We talked a LOT about what September 2nd would look like for all involved. We counted down days, and also talked about schedules and "what's next". We planned and prepped and I genuinely thought this year would be different.

It couldn't get any worse.

Except it did. This year Princess was nervous about going into Grade 2. In French immersion, grade 2 is the year that they are expected to speak all-French, all the time. She was cool and collected until last night, when she became scared and intimidated. This morning she crawled into my bed, and we snuggled for a full hour before the alarm went off.

This year Tobes, who had regressed at the beginning of the summer in all aspects (sleep, anxiety, etc) and then who had a bit of a leap forward in August, woke up in a horrible mood, and it built from there. Despite all the discussion and preparation we did, he just wasn't ready for today.

This year I was as prepared as I thought I could be the night before - Princess had all the stuff she needed, Tobes had all the stuff I needed, but forgot to grab all the stuff I needed... Like my purse.

This morning went ok - we got celebratory pictures in the driveway, we talked more about our plans for the day, and were ready to go... I thought. Then I couldn't find my purse, which set us back 10 minutes. Then Tobes started to cry (full-on tears, boarderline meltdown) about everything (first it was that he was hungry. When I gave him his snack, he was bored, then he was thirsty, etc), which wore on my nerves. Then traffic was horrific, which set us back another few. Then the 15 minute buffer I gave myself slowly slipped away. We got to school just before the first bell, which would have been more than enough time if I weren't dragging a sobbing kid down a packed hallway.

We found Princess' classroom, which was almost full. I urged her towards a desk and she stood there, frozen. She knew most of the kids in her class, and her two best school friends were there which was awesome, but the "big kid" desks in the "big kid" classroom were overwhelming. And Toby was screaming, and I was being ushered out along with the other parents by the teacher. I quickly said my goodbyes and I left. No picture of her in her desk, no helping her find her coat hook, I was gone.

I was mad at this point. I got Tobes in the car, and started to drive.

Then I thought about how I didn't get to give my daughter a hug goodbye. And I cried.
Then I thought about how my son was "supposed to be" better. And I cried.
Then I thought about how he ruined my morning. And I cried.
Then I thought about how furious I was with him. And I cried.
Then I thought about how guilty I felt for thinking that way. And I cried.
Then I thought about how much he loved his sister. And I cried.
Then I thought about how much he missed her too. And I cried.
Then I thought about how my daughter comes second so often in our everyday lives. And I cried.
Then I thought about how I was once that kid who had "needier" younger siblings, and how much I resented my parents sometimes. And I cried.
Then I thought about how this would be the last time I ever had a "First Day Dropoff" with just her. And I cried.
Then I thought about how old she is getting, and how much I feel like I've missed in her life because of "other things" (so very much beyond other family members), and I cried.

My day overall improved, thanks to a best friend willing to grocery shop with two blubbery messes, and a husband who rushed home at lunch. I took Princess out for "coffee" after school and we are having a chill evening. But it's going to take some time to recover from this one.