It's funny, when I wrote my first post on forgiveness, I didn't think it had anything to do with the season (at least, I didn't intend it to, but who am I to question God's timing on when things are pressed onto my heart!) and yet here we sit just hours away from Good Friday.
I feel ridiculous, but the peace I have found even since writing out my post last week has been so amazing. It goes beyond the words I typed out in an attempt to empty my brain before bed. It's a big step I am taking this spring to "not sweat the small stuff",
and also to just move on from anything that has held me back before. To finally make a decision to accept an apology from myself, move on, and forgive myself has been wonderful. It also has let me accept forgiveness from God in a way that I don't think I've felt in a long time. I don't have an issue with repentance, my issue is allowing guilt and shame wash over me, instead of believing that God actually forgives me. That I can actually be forgiven by Him.
The timing is amazingly perfect. We are coming up on Easter, when Jesus died for our sins, and rose from the grave 3 days later. This Easter, more than any others, I will not take for granted that sacrifice. Because of Him, I am free.
I am truly free.
Happy Easter
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Forgiveness.
I have been writing versions of this post for months. Every time I get close to hitting "publish", something stops me. It's too hard. I'd much rather write about my awesomely cute kids, or Disneyland. Especially Disneyland. But it's something that I've struggled with for 10+ years. And hopefully when I hit "publish" tonight, I can hopefully find peace.
I'm not always quick to forgive . I am usually quick to understand, and even quick to ignore or brush aside, but when I am deeply hurt, or someone I love is, sometimes forgiveness is the last thing I want to do. Even if God wants me to. I will forgive others, but I'm not always eager to do it. Sometimes I want to mull and brood in the pain. I am the victim, after all. And I have been hurt. But I have learned, especially in the last few years, that the brooding and mulling just isn't worth it. I need to forgive. And so I do. Maybe it's in prayer that I find the strength, or in God's word. Maybe it's in a conversation with a loved one, or maybe it's a letter I write in private, never to been seen by anyone else, that the forgiveness is given. I release the grudge, and I can move past.
But there is one person I have had an especially hard time forgiving. There is one person that hurts more than anyone else could, or than I would let anyone else try. There is one person that keeps me awake at night, because the pain of what they have done haunts my dreams.
That person is myself. If I have acted out of character, made a mistake, or even if a well-intentioned act is misunderstood, I guilt myself over it. I am embarrassed and upset with myself about things I have done decades ago sometimes. I have accepted and forgiven apologies, and accepted and forgiven those who might never apologize. I have made apologies and accepted forgiveness from others. But I can't forgive myself. And while I know of God's grace and forgiveness for me, my own unforgiveness towards myself stands in my way. Because, of course, I know the situation better than God does. Of COURSE I know my heart better than Him. Of course I don't, but it's not always easy to remember that. So I suffer from insomnia, or I have a little panic attack, or I am reminded of a misdeed through something random in my daily life. I need to let go, I need to move on. I deserve to.
Tonight I have decided to do it. It is time to close this door on this chapter. I will no longer mull on the pain. I will no longer accept the lies I've told myself or have accepted from others about who I am when I have made choices that are not normally of my character. I am loving, caring, and kind. And I am human. I will no longer regret the things I cannot change, or be the victim any longer. In forgiving myself, I can finally fully enjoy God's forgiveness in these matters too.
It is time to close the door on this. It has been far too long.
I'm not always quick to forgive . I am usually quick to understand, and even quick to ignore or brush aside, but when I am deeply hurt, or someone I love is, sometimes forgiveness is the last thing I want to do. Even if God wants me to. I will forgive others, but I'm not always eager to do it. Sometimes I want to mull and brood in the pain. I am the victim, after all. And I have been hurt. But I have learned, especially in the last few years, that the brooding and mulling just isn't worth it. I need to forgive. And so I do. Maybe it's in prayer that I find the strength, or in God's word. Maybe it's in a conversation with a loved one, or maybe it's a letter I write in private, never to been seen by anyone else, that the forgiveness is given. I release the grudge, and I can move past.
But there is one person I have had an especially hard time forgiving. There is one person that hurts more than anyone else could, or than I would let anyone else try. There is one person that keeps me awake at night, because the pain of what they have done haunts my dreams.
That person is myself. If I have acted out of character, made a mistake, or even if a well-intentioned act is misunderstood, I guilt myself over it. I am embarrassed and upset with myself about things I have done decades ago sometimes. I have accepted and forgiven apologies, and accepted and forgiven those who might never apologize. I have made apologies and accepted forgiveness from others. But I can't forgive myself. And while I know of God's grace and forgiveness for me, my own unforgiveness towards myself stands in my way. Because, of course, I know the situation better than God does. Of COURSE I know my heart better than Him. Of course I don't, but it's not always easy to remember that. So I suffer from insomnia, or I have a little panic attack, or I am reminded of a misdeed through something random in my daily life. I need to let go, I need to move on. I deserve to.
Tonight I have decided to do it. It is time to close this door on this chapter. I will no longer mull on the pain. I will no longer accept the lies I've told myself or have accepted from others about who I am when I have made choices that are not normally of my character. I am loving, caring, and kind. And I am human. I will no longer regret the things I cannot change, or be the victim any longer. In forgiving myself, I can finally fully enjoy God's forgiveness in these matters too.
It is time to close the door on this. It has been far too long.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Surrounded
3 weeks ago, my Goddaughter was born.
She is sweet and beautiful and wonderful, and I love her very much.
For the count, this is now my second Godchild (a title I hold with GREAT pride and honor)! I also hold the title of "Auntie" to many other littles, and have many, many other wonderful littles in my life beyond that. I am surrounded by babies! 2 friends just had babies in the last few weeks, 2 more friends are due imminently, and now there's a whole roster of friends now due in August/September! I have been an "Auntie"/Godmother for almost 9 (!!!) years now, and it's a pretty sweet gig.
And here I sit, with my not-so-little littles (by comparison at least). It's a weird feeling. I have entered this whole new stage with my family. Babydom/Toddlerhood is so demanding that sometimes it's hard to fathom a world that exists beyond it. Babbles have turned into conversations, snuggles are still aplenty but you have to catch them first ;) First steps are now dancing and tumbling and running and jumping. Naptime is scarce, but replaced with school and activities and playtime.
I think I have baby fever, but I'm not sure how much of it is actual baby fever, or how much of it is being VERY aware of just how not-little my littles are now. Just how old they are, and just how much they've lived out the cliche of "just yesterday they were newborns". I've come a long way from newborn cries and baby naps on my chest and I miss them. I know this new stage is bigger and more wonderful than I can ever imagine. I know this was a phase I was excited for - when sleep might be more plentiful (hah hah... But that's a different post altogether) and when they were old enough to play on their own. Now that it's here... I don't know! I am excited for the people they are becoming - to take Princess to dance competitions (her first is next month!) and Tobes has developed a love for gymnastics. To take them swimming all by myself (which I've just started to do), and outings are so much easier without a diaper bag to pack! I still miss the baby phase though. I often joke with friends that I would get pregnant and have babies forever if I could, but I think parenting-wise, I'm maxed out at 2! *lol*
But that's ok. In the meantime I'll watch my other littles grow, and welcome new littles into my life, even if they aren't completely "mine"
For the count, this is now my second Godchild (a title I hold with GREAT pride and honor)! I also hold the title of "Auntie" to many other littles, and have many, many other wonderful littles in my life beyond that. I am surrounded by babies! 2 friends just had babies in the last few weeks, 2 more friends are due imminently, and now there's a whole roster of friends now due in August/September! I have been an "Auntie"/Godmother for almost 9 (!!!) years now, and it's a pretty sweet gig.
And here I sit, with my not-so-little littles (by comparison at least). It's a weird feeling. I have entered this whole new stage with my family. Babydom/Toddlerhood is so demanding that sometimes it's hard to fathom a world that exists beyond it. Babbles have turned into conversations, snuggles are still aplenty but you have to catch them first ;) First steps are now dancing and tumbling and running and jumping. Naptime is scarce, but replaced with school and activities and playtime.
I think I have baby fever, but I'm not sure how much of it is actual baby fever, or how much of it is being VERY aware of just how not-little my littles are now. Just how old they are, and just how much they've lived out the cliche of "just yesterday they were newborns". I've come a long way from newborn cries and baby naps on my chest and I miss them. I know this new stage is bigger and more wonderful than I can ever imagine. I know this was a phase I was excited for - when sleep might be more plentiful (hah hah... But that's a different post altogether) and when they were old enough to play on their own. Now that it's here... I don't know! I am excited for the people they are becoming - to take Princess to dance competitions (her first is next month!) and Tobes has developed a love for gymnastics. To take them swimming all by myself (which I've just started to do), and outings are so much easier without a diaper bag to pack! I still miss the baby phase though. I often joke with friends that I would get pregnant and have babies forever if I could, but I think parenting-wise, I'm maxed out at 2! *lol*
But that's ok. In the meantime I'll watch my other littles grow, and welcome new littles into my life, even if they aren't completely "mine"
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Catch My Breath
Hubs and Tobes are out shopping. Princess is coloring (we just finished jewellery making with one of her kits from Christmas), and I'm sitting with my tea by the fire. It's a rare weekend "off" for us, and we're embracing it with great joy and excitement!
Disneyland was quickly followed by Christmas, then back to school (plus new extra-curriculars - Princess and Tobes each started gymnastics, as well as music classes). Work opportunities knocked at my door again, and so this almost-SAHM-mommy found herself working full-time last week (which was exciting and fun for me, but I felt the ramifications from Tobes this week!) We finally got our 2nd Christmas tree (and Mickey Tree) down last week, as well as the remnants of our Christmas decorations... I normally LOVE keeping my decorations up as long as possible, but this was still ridiculous!)
It's been a busy time for sure. If any of you are following, you've probably noticed my Operation Domestication Blog has unfortunately fallen by the wayside. I do have some updates to give today, but all-in-all, the house is just in a general state of post-Christmas disarray - something that I will need to make a priority in February.
I need to find a way to balance myself better. I look ahead and think 3 days of work in a row are "fine", without thinking about how it'll affect the kids who aren't used to it (and then forget about needing some low-key downtime after). I keep the same social schedule I had when I was on maternity leave (and before Princess was in kindergarten), and I've got a list of classes I want the kids to take (gymnastics, wee collage, music, and dance for now, swimming will have to wait until spring break) that need to fit-in somehow. I'm better now than I was even 3 months ago, but I need to learn to use my calendar better, and I need to learn how to say "no" or "no for now".
But for now, I just need to catch my breath! :)
Disneyland was quickly followed by Christmas, then back to school (plus new extra-curriculars - Princess and Tobes each started gymnastics, as well as music classes). Work opportunities knocked at my door again, and so this almost-SAHM-mommy found herself working full-time last week (which was exciting and fun for me, but I felt the ramifications from Tobes this week!) We finally got our 2nd Christmas tree (and Mickey Tree) down last week, as well as the remnants of our Christmas decorations... I normally LOVE keeping my decorations up as long as possible, but this was still ridiculous!)
It's been a busy time for sure. If any of you are following, you've probably noticed my Operation Domestication Blog has unfortunately fallen by the wayside. I do have some updates to give today, but all-in-all, the house is just in a general state of post-Christmas disarray - something that I will need to make a priority in February.
I need to find a way to balance myself better. I look ahead and think 3 days of work in a row are "fine", without thinking about how it'll affect the kids who aren't used to it (and then forget about needing some low-key downtime after). I keep the same social schedule I had when I was on maternity leave (and before Princess was in kindergarten), and I've got a list of classes I want the kids to take (gymnastics, wee collage, music, and dance for now, swimming will have to wait until spring break) that need to fit-in somehow. I'm better now than I was even 3 months ago, but I need to learn to use my calendar better, and I need to learn how to say "no" or "no for now".
But for now, I just need to catch my breath! :)
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Disneyland - Day 6
Our final day. This was also the day I realized one big mistake I made in our otherwise perfectly planned trip. I underestimated the value in Ariel's Grotto. Hubs and I went 6 years ago. The food was ok (not fabulous), and the princesses were fun. But this time around we assumed we would see the princesses in the park. Big mistake. The lineups were incredible (obviously), and while they were really smart about how they did it (1 lineup for 3 princesses), it was just too much.
Hubs to the rescue!! We had 5 princesses left to see (including Rapunzel... We ended up not going to see her - she was in a separate area, and Princess opted to see Merida twice instead. Her choice, and she has no regrets!) and so Hubs was able to get us a last-minute reservation at the Grotto. We kept it a total surprise for Princess, and boy was she surprised!! AND the best part was the princesses who were there that day were the 4 other ones we had left to see!! Score!! The food was good, still not fabulous, but the memories were incredible.
We had another early entry day into California Adventure, which was a huge perk of staying in the park hotel! We opted to stay away from the Radiator Springs Racers Fastpass line this time (Princess liked the ride, but not enough to make it worth it. We had really good luck in the single-rider line) and went back to the furthest point again to go on the Toy Story ride, and the carousel again. After that we wandered over to Disneyland just in time for Mickey's ToonTown Madness (it's insane how many rides you can go on in an hour with early entry!) After a few hours in DL we headed back to California Adventure for our reservation (it was a later lunch around 1:30).
Other highlights of our last day in the park included Princess in her Tinkerbell dress (she made the comment that "everyone thinks [she's] Tinkerbell! Except [she's] a little too tall..."), and we got to watch a bit of the Candlelight Ceremony (as much as Princess and Tobes would let us. It was incredibly Christmas-y!!)
I also went to take a picture of the light in the firehouse on Main Street, only to realize it had been replaced with a Christmas tree!
We ended our trip in California Adventure. We went on a few last rides (including the gigantic ferris wheel... Hubs took the kids. I am TERRIFIED of it!! *lol*), and spent a few more hours just taking it all in.
We headed back home bright and early the next morning. We had such an amazing trip, and the memories Hubs and I were able to make with our children will last us a lifetime!! It won't be their last trip - we're hoping to return again when Tobes is 5 or so, but as far as "First Visits" go, I couldn't have asked for more!!
Hubs to the rescue!! We had 5 princesses left to see (including Rapunzel... We ended up not going to see her - she was in a separate area, and Princess opted to see Merida twice instead. Her choice, and she has no regrets!) and so Hubs was able to get us a last-minute reservation at the Grotto. We kept it a total surprise for Princess, and boy was she surprised!! AND the best part was the princesses who were there that day were the 4 other ones we had left to see!! Score!! The food was good, still not fabulous, but the memories were incredible.
We had another early entry day into California Adventure, which was a huge perk of staying in the park hotel! We opted to stay away from the Radiator Springs Racers Fastpass line this time (Princess liked the ride, but not enough to make it worth it. We had really good luck in the single-rider line) and went back to the furthest point again to go on the Toy Story ride, and the carousel again. After that we wandered over to Disneyland just in time for Mickey's ToonTown Madness (it's insane how many rides you can go on in an hour with early entry!) After a few hours in DL we headed back to California Adventure for our reservation (it was a later lunch around 1:30).
Other highlights of our last day in the park included Princess in her Tinkerbell dress (she made the comment that "everyone thinks [she's] Tinkerbell! Except [she's] a little too tall..."), and we got to watch a bit of the Candlelight Ceremony (as much as Princess and Tobes would let us. It was incredibly Christmas-y!!)
I also went to take a picture of the light in the firehouse on Main Street, only to realize it had been replaced with a Christmas tree!
We ended our trip in California Adventure. We went on a few last rides (including the gigantic ferris wheel... Hubs took the kids. I am TERRIFIED of it!! *lol*), and spent a few more hours just taking it all in.
We headed back home bright and early the next morning. We had such an amazing trip, and the memories Hubs and I were able to make with our children will last us a lifetime!! It won't be their last trip - we're hoping to return again when Tobes is 5 or so, but as far as "First Visits" go, I couldn't have asked for more!!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Disneyland - Day 5
Today we did early entry into Disneyland with the intent that we'd get as many autographs as we could. Princess got to see Tinkerbell, which was awesome! And Hubs and Tobes got to ride the monorail... Again! We also went up to ToonTown to see Mickey and Minnie, and rode the train around the park.
We then headed over to California Adventure for our reservation at Wine Country Trattoria. The food there was spectacular, but our biggest reason for going was for the coveted World of Color tickets! I totally didn't take any pictures - was too busy enjoying the sunshine and the yummy food! Before naps, we wandered around for a bit, and caught a few impromptu shows!
We also took an opportunity after naps to use the pool at the hotel. We didn't have time to otherwise! I brought both my cameras with me on the trip - my Canon Eos 3ti, and my Panasonic lumix, which is waterproof, so I brought it down to the pool with me too.
After a dip in the pool, we headed back to California Adventure. As we were killing time before World of Color, Hubs took Princess on a few rides, and Tobes and I caught the Disney Pixar Play Parade
Back to Carsland for supper at Flo's V8 (soooo yummy!!) and then it was time to find our spots for World of Color!! I didn't take pictures - too busy watching in awe. Tobes was pretty tired by the end of the day too, so he came up on my back in a carrier. The show was made that much more perfect by the sound of him whispering "wow" in my ear. The spot was perfect. Our tickets put us one level above the boardwalk, and I got there early enough that we were right up against the fence - unobstructed view. It was an awesome way to end the day!
We then headed over to California Adventure for our reservation at Wine Country Trattoria. The food there was spectacular, but our biggest reason for going was for the coveted World of Color tickets! I totally didn't take any pictures - was too busy enjoying the sunshine and the yummy food! Before naps, we wandered around for a bit, and caught a few impromptu shows!
We also took an opportunity after naps to use the pool at the hotel. We didn't have time to otherwise! I brought both my cameras with me on the trip - my Canon Eos 3ti, and my Panasonic lumix, which is waterproof, so I brought it down to the pool with me too.
After a dip in the pool, we headed back to California Adventure. As we were killing time before World of Color, Hubs took Princess on a few rides, and Tobes and I caught the Disney Pixar Play Parade
Back to Carsland for supper at Flo's V8 (soooo yummy!!) and then it was time to find our spots for World of Color!! I didn't take pictures - too busy watching in awe. Tobes was pretty tired by the end of the day too, so he came up on my back in a carrier. The show was made that much more perfect by the sound of him whispering "wow" in my ear. The spot was perfect. Our tickets put us one level above the boardwalk, and I got there early enough that we were right up against the fence - unobstructed view. It was an awesome way to end the day!
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